Her father, meanwhile, was barely speaking to her. She was theoretically sorry to have hurt him, but she didn’t miss the charade of closeness. He’d needed to be shown that she was eighteen years old and had a right to her own life. The ancient edict needed punishing as well.
The action that had truly taken guts occurred in the school cafeteria some weeks later. She’d already stopped putting on makeup in the morning and taken to wearing only jeans, never skirts, but she didn’t think she’d ever felt more glaringly visible than the day she plunked her sack lunch down between Kim Perkins and David Goya. They acted like it was nothing, but every eye at Becky’s usual table was on her, especially Jeannie Cross’s. Though Jeannie should arguably have been grateful to her, for vacating a rung on the ladder that she herself could then ascend to, Jeannie didn’t see it that way. She continued to give Becky rides to school in her Mustang, and Becky still enjoyed hearing her gossip, but a line had been crossed when she sat down at a Crossroads table. Jeannie referred to Crossroads as Kumbaya, which wasn’t funny even the first time she said it, and Becky, although she couldn’t prove it, sensed that Jeannie was no longer telling her every secret she learned.
Offsetting her self-imposed demotion was her rise in Tanner Evans’s estimation. Not only had the thought of her with Tanner not left her; after she publicly declared herself a Crossroads person, the thought had acquired new urgency. Certain people who thought less of her for going religious might think again if they saw her with Tanner Evans. This was a calculation, but her feelings had quickly fallen in line with it. She imagined holding one of Tanner’s hands in hers, touching the tips of his long fingers one by one. She imagined his hands clasped on her belly, the way she’d seen them clasped on Laura Dobrinsky’s. She imagined him writing a song about her.
At the Grove, on the Friday after her first Crossroads meeting, she resisted the urge to find him and tell him what she’d done. She’d enjoyed the meeting, and she planned to go to the next one, but as soon as she saw Tanner arrive with his guitars she wondered if she’d capitulated too easily. If she’d offered more resistance, he might have kept pressing her, and teasing her.
The Bleu Notes were playing without the Natural Woman that night. By the time their first set ended, Becky was putting chairs up on tables in the empty dining room. The urge was there but she resisted it. And was rewarded when Tanner came looking for her.
“Hey,” he said, “I saw Rick Ambrose. You know what he told me?”
“No.”
“You actually went! I couldn’t believe it. I thought I’d totally pissed you off.”
“You did piss me off.”
“Well, and apparently it worked.”
“Yeah, once. I’m not sure I’ll go back.”
“You didn’t like it?”
She shrugged, trying to maintain her resistance.
“You’re still pissed off with me,” he said.
“I still don’t see why you care if I’m in Crossroads.”
She hoisted a chair onto a table, feeling his eyes on her. She expected him to ask what she’d made of Crossroads. Instead he asked her if she wanted to stay for the second set.
“I’m not allowed in the back room,” she said, “except to get drink orders.”
“You work here. No one’s going to card you.”
“Where’s Laura?”
“She went to Milwaukee for the weekend.”
“Well, then, I don’t think I’d better.”
Tanner looked away, blinking. He had wonderful eyelashes.
“Okay,” he said. “That’s cool.”
All the way home and well into the night, she revised the evening in her head. Her chance had come and gone so suddenly, she hadn’t had time to think it through. Had she said no because she considered it unethical to sneak around behind Laura’s back? Or was it because the idea of being a temporary replacement, a second-stringer, was insulting? If only she hadn’t said no so quickly! Deflection of male advances had become a reflex, because until now the advances had always been deflection-worthy. But what if she’d stayed for the second set? And hung out afterward with Tanner and the band, and let him drive her home, and then seen him again the next day, and the day after that, while Laura was in Milwaukee?
She didn’t get a second chance. The following Friday, Laura was back at the Grove, playing with Tanner, doing harmonies with him and then a solo song at the piano, “Up on the Roof,” that Becky fled into the kitchen to avoid hearing even distantly. That Sunday, she almost didn’t go to Crossroads, since there seemed to be nothing further to be gained with Tanner by going. But when seven o’clock rolled around she experienced a pang of actual loneliness, not a feeling she was used to. She threw on her only halfway scruffy coat, a corduroy jacket that Clem had outgrown, and ran-walked down to First Reformed, arriving just in time to be chosen by Rick Ambrose as a dyad partner.