When she finally gained admittance to Ambrose’s office and he asked her how things were at home, she found herself saying that she was worried about her mother. Even two weeks ago, she would have considered it treasonous to pass family information to her father’s enemy. Now she positively relished it.
“My mom keeps up a good front,” she said. “But underneath I get the sense she’s falling apart, and meanwhile Clem is convinced that my dad is going to leave her. It could just be an idea in Clem’s head, but he really harps on it.”
“Clem is smart,” Ambrose said.
“I know. I love him so much. But I’m worried about my mom. She’s so dependent on my dad, and the only time she ever stands up to him is when he criticizes Perry. She thinks Perry is a genius. Which, I mean, he is sort of a genius. But he does all this bad shit that she doesn’t have a clue about.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“She doesn’t know anything from me, that’s for sure.”
“You protect him.”
“It’s not him I’m protecting. I feel bad for her—she’s having a hard enough time already. But I also don’t want Perry to hurt her.”
“Do you think we can help him?”
“Crossroads? I think he only joined because his friends were in it, and then suddenly he’s like Mr. Gung Ho. I don’t know—maybe that’s good?”
Ambrose waited, his dark eyes on her.
“It’s just,” she said, “some part of me doesn’t believe it.”
“Me neither,” Ambrose said. “The minute he walked in the door, I said to myself, ‘That kid is trouble.’”
Becky felt breathless. She couldn’t believe Ambrose trusted her enough to say that. For a disorienting moment, her heart confused him with Tanner. His honesty with her was like an eighty-proof version of Tanner’s gentler brew. There was no wedding ring on his dark-haired hand, but she’d heard he had a girlfriend at the seminary where he was nominally still a student. It was a little like hearing that Jesus had a girlfriend.
A burst of female laughter outside his door reminded her that she was one of many. As if to preempt a rejection, to save her dignity, she excused herself hastily and ran from the church, reorienting her heart.
The following Sunday, after the service ended, she and Tanner sat in the rearmost pew and talked for more than an hour. When someone turned off the sanctuary lights, and the last distant voices died away, they stayed on in the more solemn light of the stained-glass windows. Becky was relieved that she did not, after all, need to do the Crossroads thing of telling Tanner she wanted to get to know him better.
An exchange of past impressions yielded the interesting fact that Becky, even as a sophomore in high school, had seemed to Tanner impossibly unapproachable. When she countered that, no, he had been that person, he laughed and denied it, as befit his unconceited nature, but she could tell that he was pleased. While they skated around on the subject of Crossroads and the friends of Tanner’s who now served as advisers in the group, her mind worked furiously below the surface. It ought to have followed logically, even irresistibly, that two such singularly unapproachable-seeming people were meant to be together. But what if being together only meant being friends?
She saw that she had no choice but to take a risk. In a studiously offhand tone, she asked Tanner why Laura didn’t come to church with him.
“She was raised Catholic,” he said, with a shrug. “She hates institutional religion.”
Becky waited.
“Laura’s way more radical than me. She was ready to split for San Francisco as soon as we finished high school. Sleep in the van, be part of the scene.”
“Why didn’t you?” Becky said, barely breathing.
“I don’t know. I guess I’m not that into the scene—going back to someone’s house and staying up all night. That’s okay once a week, or if you’re into drugs, but I’d rather be sleeping and getting up early to practice. I’ve still got so far to go as a musician.”
“You already sound amazing.”
He looked at her gratefully. “You’re not just saying that?”
“No! I love listening to you.”
She watched him take this in. It seemed to go down well. He squared his shoulders and said, “I want to cut a demo album. That’s my whole focus right now. Twelve songs good enough to record before I’m twenty-one. I was afraid, if we hit the road, I’d lose sight of that.”