“Just what?” he demands.
“It’s embarrassing, okay? Everybody here make it looks so easy to be a paranormal, and it’s humiliating to admit how freaked out I was about consciously shifting for the first time. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself in front of everyone.”
“First of all, there’s nothing for you to be embarrassed about. Most people are nervous about their powers as they learn to use them. It’s totally normal, and I would have said that to you if you’d asked me. And second, it’s humiliating to admit that to me, but not to Hudson? Are you fucking kidding me?”
“Come on, Jaxon, that’s not what I meant at all. I just want you to see me as strong, you know?” I go to run a hand through my hair, totally forgetting that it’s stone as well, so I end up just patting my stone hair instead. Because that isn’t awkward at all.
“I don’t need to see you that way, Grace. You are that way. You’re strong and powerful and amazing and no one knows that better than I do—you saved my life twice.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I know, but that’s what I see when I look at you. So if you need help for once or feel uncertain for a little while, why wouldn’t you come to me? Why would you go to Hudson of all people?”
“Damn it, Jaxon. I didn’t go to Hudson with anything, but it’s not like I had a choice. I can’t get away from him, so what am I supposed to do?”
Jaxon’s eyes go watchful. “What does that mean exactly, that you don’t have a choice? What don’t you have a choice about?”
I can practically see the wheels turning in his head as he tries to reason this whole thing out, and it suddenly occurs to me that telling him that Hudson knows everything I’m thinking is akin to walking through a minefield without a metal detector. Terrifying, dangerous, and potentially very, very messy.
But it’s obvious from his face—and his questions—that it’s too late to step back now, and I’m not sure I would anyway, because lying to my mate seems like a really bad idea. Then again, so does jumping down her throat when she makes a simple comment about a simple choice she made for herself about her own power…
Which is why I don’t backtrack and why I don’t apologize or try to prevaricate. Instead, I take a deep breath in an effort to beat back the annoyance and the anxiety that are building inside me—and then tell Jaxon as much of the truth as I understand myself. “It means he knows every single thing I’m thinking. Not just what I’m doing, but if I’m hungry or what pair of underwear I’m thinking about wearing or that I really don’t understand aeronautical physics at all.
“So yeah, he knew that I was nervous about shifting again—who wouldn’t be, considering I don’t even remember doing it the first time? Or, for that matter, how I shifted back to my human form. I was worried about not being able to turn into a gargoyle. I was worried about not being able to shift back again. I was worried about it all. Every single part of it, even though I was doing laundry late at night because I was trying not to think about it so I could actually sleep.”
I’m all worked up now, so I start to pace—which, it turns out, feels oddly different from when I do it in my human form but also oddly the same. It’s something to think about, but at a different time, when Jaxon isn’t looking at me like his head might explode at any second.
“So yes, Jaxon,” I continue, “Hudson helped me out. Not because I had anything against you, but just because he was there.”
Jaxon holds my gaze, and I watch a muscle in his jaw tick, but he doesn’t say anything.
I can’t help the sadness creeping in to fill the void where my anger had been. This isn’t Jaxon’s fault any more than it’s mine. I sigh. “Fucking Hudson.”
“Ouch. Don’t hold back, Grace. Tell me how you really feel,” Hudson says from where he’s suddenly sprawled out on the Astroturf right behind Jaxon, a copy of Sartre’s No Exit open in his hands.
60
Paranormal Telenovelas
Are a Lifestyle
Choice
“Are you kidding me?” I turn and yell at Hudson, sadness disappearing under the reservoir of annoyance he so easily taps into. “You decide to show up now?”
“I’ve been here awhile, but it was starting to get uncomfortable listening to the two of you fight.” He yawns and stretches a little, which just pisses me off more—exactly as I know he intends. “And by uncomfortable, I mean really fucking boring.”