“Yes … I’m so sorry.”
She was bright red and didn’t know what to do with herself. The man helped her back to their table. As she leaned on him during the short distance of their slow walk back, she noticed how his shoulders were wide enough to wrap around hers in an embrace. Her hands and shoulders, freezing from the air-conditioning, registered that the man’s arm was strong and hard, but at the same time warm and appealing. The room was still spinning, her legs threatened to give way, and she was so ashamed that she wanted to make a run for it, but as she became conscious of these facts about his body, her red face grew even more crimson.
“Are you very unwell? Shall we go?”
“I’m sorry, may I sit down for a bit?”
“Oh, of course.”
She collapsed into the chair and couldn’t think of anything to say to him. The man, not knowing what to do, kept sipping his coffee.
“Are you sick today? I hope you didn’t force yourself to come out …”
“No, it’s just morning sickness … I’m pregnant, you see.”
“Oh, really? Congratulations.”
“Thank you.”
“Then it must be the smell of the coffee that made you uncomfortable. Shall we get rid of it?” He immediately called over a waiter.
“Thank you so much.” She was still mortified, but it was a relief not to have to smell the coffee anymore.
“But you mustn’t be too far along?”
“Yes, it’s only been two months.”
“So you don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl? I’m sorry, I’m being nosy.”
“Oh no, that’s fine. I don’t know yet. I didn’t ask, on purpose.”
“I guess it’s more fun to wait and have the anticipation.”
The man was polite and kind, an unexpectedly nice conversation partner. She felt attracted to him. They talked for a while about pregnancy and babies until she suddenly asked him, “So, um, would you be my child’s father?”
“The child’s father?”
“Yes, to be honest, that’s why I’m on this seon date …” She gave a quick summary and confession as to how she became pregnant through the birth control pills and the doctor’s warning.
The man listened with a sincere expression. After she finished, he seemed lost in thought for a moment. “Well … I think I’d have to think about it a bit more. I didn’t know this was your situation when I agreed to come … I know it’s a seon date but becoming a father is not an easy decision. I hope you understand.”
“Of course, that’s fine.”
“I can’t give you an answer right now, but maybe if we saw each other a bit more and got to know each other better, I’d be able to decide then. Would that be all right?”
“Very much so.”
The man insisted on driving her home despite her repeated refusals.
“I’m actually a driver by trade. You can trust me,” He said this with a smile.
As she watched him drive off into the night after dropping her off by her house, she thought of how they had talked all afternoon and the only thing she really knew about him was the fact that he was a driver.
She went on a string of seon dates with other men after that, but nothing really took. There were many times where she would run to the ladies’ room and come back to find the man had disappeared. Some of the men became tense and took out their cigarettes at the mention of her being pregnant and others made sure she was aware of their distaste for her situation. She kept thinking that the first man had been the best, but his irregular work hours made it difficult to keep in constant contact with him.
Slowly but surely, her stomach grew. The pregnancy became obvious at five months. Her morning sickness seemed to get worse for a time but eventually began to abate. Her breasts grew bigger and her weight climbed to the point where her back and feet hurt. She became out of breath easily and her ankles frequently swelled up. She often felt a knot in her chest, sweated like a fiend, and was constantly in and out of the bathroom. The hospital assured her that these were all normal signs of pregnancy. But at six months, there was no longer any fetal movement. She only felt a slight twisting or trembling inside of her, but these weren’t the sensations of a baby kicking inside her womb.
The thickly made-up obstetrician sneered at her worries. “You still haven’t found a father for the child? This is all because of that.”
“Well, I mean, it’s not so easy—”