She knew there was that same scarring on their souls that couldn’t be removed. They thought of their souls in tatters, dark and beyond saving, with numerous holes, but whatever was left had thick layers of scar tissue built up from battle after battle, kill after kill. Too many, until they were no longer just Carpathian but not the undead. They were . . . predators. Living for battle.
They felt the rush of the fight, the rush of the kill, but didn’t realize they did. She had experienced it. Sandu hadn’t. He didn’t wholly realize that the electric energy sizzled through his bloodstream with his adrenaline when he went into battle. That he changed completely into a cunning, animalistic predator eager for the fight.
On some level, all the ancients had to have recognized that they had gone beyond Carpathian hunters; it was why they had elected to enter the monastery—to keep others safe. Now, to find their lifemates, they had once again left those gates of protection and were out in the world seeking. Hunting. Killing the undead. Adding to the burden their souls already carried.
“You’re all certain you want to do this?” It took great effort to keep her voice from trembling. She sank into the chair on one side of the table.
Benedek took the chair opposite her as they all nodded. The other guardians took their seats but stayed very close in order to observe.
Adalasia pressed her lips together and looked up at Sandu. He was the only one standing. He stayed right beside her, one hand on her chair. She didn’t know if she was looking for courage or if she wanted to strangle him for getting her into this. She knew why these men sought answers. They were courageous, the way they so stoically faced their long lives and the possibility that they might have to end them without ever having the reward of a lifemate.
“Sisarke,” Benedek said softly, clearly seeing her apprehension. “Look at me, not your lifemate. I asked for this. If I do not get the answer that I would prefer, there is no blame. There is no right or wrong. It simply is. I was told my lifemate is alive. I was given a direction. The direction became impossible to follow.” He looked at his brethren. “Our monastery was protected by the clouds, safeguarded in an illusion, so that any seeking it would become lost. That was what kept happening when we each sought our lifemate using the map given to us by Trixie and Gabrielle, Fane’s and Aleksei’s lifemates. They may have been wrong and we have no lifemates, but it is better to know than to have false hope. We are too dangerous to be let loose on the world. You know this about us. You see it in Sandu, and we are the same but without anchors.”
“Reading these cards is no joke, Benedek. They will tell the strict truth.” There was a lump in her throat. She felt raw and hurt inside. “Right now, you do have hope. If it is gone, what then?”
“Each of us has walked this earth alone for a very long time, sisarke, even before we went into the monastery and stayed locked behind the gates in the clouds of illusions. When I say a long time, I mean hundreds of years. We had to develop our values and strengths to get through dark times. We are seekers of knowledge. It is constant learning and always the idea of facing the truth, sisarke, no matter how difficult, that gets us through with honor. We may walk in darkness, but we turn a bright spotlight inward at all times, looking at who we are, where we are, how close the beast is. While I am strong, Adalasia, I wish to know. If my lifemate is no longer on this earth, then I will choose to meet the dawn while I have the strength to do so. I do not want Sandu or any of my brethren to have to hunt me.” His voice was gentle but firm. “I am asking you, Adalasia, as your chosen brother, read the cards for me.”
She took a deep breath. Over her heart, the goddess seemed to move with gentle understanding of the overwhelming task she faced. Benedek traveled with her to protect her. She barely knew him, although she sometimes caught glimpses of him in her mind, but she found she had tremendous feelings for him, that of a sibling. He was already family to her. She might not know him, but she knew the heart of him.
She felt the strength of Sandu’s hand down the back of her head, his fingers lingering for a moment in her hair, and then on the nape of her neck.
I am with you.
A simple statement, but it meant everything. He knew how difficult she found this reading, as well, and he gave her his support.
There was silence in the cave, other than the dripping of the water and the sound of frogs and cicadas. Somehow, she found those sounds comforting. She drew the pouch from beneath her clothing. The moment the deck was in her hands, she felt the familiar confidence pour into her. The cards felt a part of her. She could almost feel them talking to her.