I was drying a glass and really not thinking about Uncle Bartlett, and suddenly my fingers lost all strength.
“Jesus Christ, Shepherd of Judea,” I said, looking down at the broken slivers of glass at my feet. “Bill had him killed.”
I DON’T KNOW why I was so sure I was right; but I was, the minute the idea crossed my mind. Maybe I had heard Bill dialing the phone when I was half-asleep. Maybe the expression on Bill’s face when I’d finished telling him about Uncle Bartlett had rung a silent warning bell.
I wondered if Bill would pay the other vampire in money, or if he’d repay him in kind.
I got through work in a frozen state. I couldn’t talk to anyone about what I was thinking, couldn’t even say I was sick without someone asking me what was wrong. So I didn’t speak at all, I just worked. I tuned out everything except the next order I had to fill. I drove home trying to feel just as frozen, but I had to face facts when I was alone.
I freaked out.
I had known, really I had, that Bill certainly had killed a human or two in his long, long, life. When he’d been a young vampire, when he’d needed lots of blood, before he’d gained control of his needs sufficiently to exist on a gulp here, a mouthful there, without actually killing anyone he drank from . . . he’d told me himself there’d been a death or two along the way. And he’d killed the Rattrays. But they’d have done me in that night in back of Merlotte’s, without a doubt, if Bill hadn’t intervened. I was naturally inclined to excuse him those deaths.
How was the murder of Uncle Bartlett different? He’d harmed me, too, dreadfully, made my already difficult childhood a true nightmare. Hadn’t I been relieved, even pleased, to hear he’d been found dead? Didn’t my horror at Bill’s intervention reek of hypocrisy of the worst sort?
Yes. No?
Tired and incredibly confused, I sat on my front steps and waited in the darkness, my arms wrapped around my knees. The crickets were singing in the tall grass when he came, arriving so quietly and quickly I didn’t hear him. One minute I was alone with the night, and the next, Bill was sitting on the steps beside me.
“What do you want to do tonight, Sookie?” His arm went around me.
“Oh, Bill.” My voice was heavy with despair.
His arm dropped. I didn’t look up at his face, couldn’t have seen it through the darkness, anyway.
“You should not have done it.”
He didn’t bother with denying it at least.
“I am glad he’s dead, Bill. But I can’t . . .”
“Do you think I would ever hurt you, Sookie?” His voice was quiet and rustling, like feet through dry grass.
“No. Oddly enough, I don’t think you would hurt me, even if you were really mad at me.”
“Then . . . ?”
“It’s like dating the Godfather, Bill. I’m scared to say anything around you now. I’m not used to my problems being solved that way.”
“I love you.”
He’d never said it before, and I might almost have imagined it now, his voice was so low and whispery.
“Do you, Bill?” I didn’t raise my face, kept my forehead pressed against my knees.
“Yes, I do.”
“Then you have to let my life get lived, Bill, you can’t alter it for me.”
“You wanted me to alter it when the Rattrays were beating you.”
“Point taken. But I can’t have you trying to fine-tune my day-to-day life. I’m gonna get mad at people, people are gonna get mad at me. I can’t worry about them being killed. I can’t live like that, honey. You see what I’m saying?”
“Honey?” he repeated.
“I love you,” I said. “I don’t know why, but I do. I want to call you all those gooshy words you use when you love someone, no matter how stupid it sounds since you’re a vampire. I want to tell you you’re my baby, that I’ll love you till we’re old and gray—though that’s not gonna happen. That I know you’ll always be true to me—hey, that’s not gonna happen either. I keep running up against a brick wall when I try to tell you I love you, Bill.” I fell silent. I was all cried out.
“This crisis came sooner than I thought it would,” Bill said from the darkness. The crickets had resumed their chorus, and I listened to them for a long moment.
“Yeah.”
“What now, Sookie?”
“I have to have a little time.”
“Before . . . ?”
“Before I decide if the love is worth the misery.”