“Astrid, I’m sorry,” she said, making sure to look her friend in the eyes, because if nothing else, Claire owed Astrid this much. Astrid met her gaze but said nothing. “I know things are complicated with you and Delilah. When things started up between us, I . . . well, it was casual. It was just . . .” She forced the words out, no matter how untrue they felt. It was how it all started, and that was at least true. “It was just sex, and I knew it was temporary. I didn’t feel like I needed to tell either of you about a hookup that would just end. And I didn’t want to stress you out or make things harder for you with the wedding coming up.”
Astrid tilted her head. “Is that really why you didn’t tell me?”
Claire frowned. Next to her, Iris cleared her throat. “I . . . well . . . What do you mean?”
Astrid sighed and looked down at her lap. Now that Claire peered closer at her friend, Astrid looked deeply exhausted. No makeup, which was unheard of for Astrid Parker, and her hair looked a bit dull, like it hadn’t been washed in a few days. What’s more, she was dressed in black yoga pants and an old gray T-shirt that said Bright Falls High School Track.
“What I mean is . . .” Astrid turned to face Claire, tucking her legs underneath her. “I’ve been thinking a lot the past few days. Soul-searching, I guess you could call it.”
“Oh, you could definitely call it soul-searching,” Iris said.
Astrid shot her a look, but a tiny smile lifted one corner of her mouth. “Okay, I’ve been doing some soul-searching, and I realize . . . I’m not always the easiest person to talk to.”
Claire frowned. “Astrid, honey—”
“No, let me finish.”
“Yes, let her finish,” Iris said.
“Would you shut up?” Astrid said, but there was no venom in her voice.
Iris presented her palms in surrender.
“I’m not always the easiest person to talk to,” Astrid went on. “I’m demanding and inflexible and I’ve never . . . I’ve never shared certain things with the two of you. A lot of certain things.”
Claire reached out and took Astrid’s hand, relieved when Astrid didn’t pull back. “Like what?”
“Like . . .” Astrid sighed. “Like how I felt about Delilah. I mean, really felt when we were growing up. How I wanted her to be my sister, but when she didn’t seem to want the same thing, I just shut her out and how . . . how hard it was. How hard it still is, because it makes me feel . . .”
She swallowed, pressed her eyes closed.
“It makes me feel unwanted and like I’m not enough, and talking about it just made me feel like that even more.”
“That’s a lot of feels,” Iris said.
“And you know how I hate those,” Astrid said, smiling without humor.
“Sweetie,” Claire said softly, but Astrid shook her head and pressed onward.
“When I found out about you and her, I just . . . I freaked out because, honestly, I thought, Why her? Why Claire and not me?”
“I think it should be clarified here that Astrid is not talking about you shagging her sister,” Iris said, tipping her wineglass at them.
“Jesus, Iris,” Astrid said.
“What? It needed to be stated.”
Astrid focused on Claire, squeezing her hand. “I just mean that you clearly had something with her. She meant something to you, and you meant something to her, I could tell. And I . . . I didn’t understand why I could never mean something to her. Not romantically, of course, but just . . . as something. As anything. We’d been through a lot together, had lost parents together, and I wanted to share that with her. I’d always wanted to share that with her, because she was the only one I could share it with, and when she constantly shut me down, it just felt . . .”
“Horrible,” Claire finished for her.
Astrid nodded. “But I don’t think it’s entirely Delilah’s fault. There was a lot about her experience I didn’t understand either. Things I didn’t want to see or try to understand. And when she pushed me away, I responded in kind, and then we just sort of fed off each other like that.”
Claire nodded, her throat suddenly tight. “I’m still sorry that I hurt you.”
Astrid released a breath and smiled at her. “Thank you.”
“What about Spencer?” Claire asked.
Astrid closed her eyes for a second. “Yeah. Spencer. I think he was just an easy way out for me.”