The breath is knocked out of me. I guess I should’ve seen it coming. Of course they’d want me to be their photographer. It makes sense; I am studying photography, after all. But still.
“Um. I need a minute.” I leap out of my chair and weave through the crowd until I’m outside the restaurant. I gulp in a few deep breaths and try to make the swirling thoughts in my head less swirly. I’m upset, but I don’t really know why. I guess there’s that part of me that’s fighting back and yelling, “Don’t I get to choose what to do with my degree?” But then when I actually stop and think about it, I like the idea of doing wedding photography. I guess I’m mostly railing against the fact that they’ve all made this decision without me. Which is stupid, right? I shouldn’t feel angry that they’ve made a good decision. And it is a good decision; they’re right, they can do all those things. Ma’s flower arrangements are gorgeous. Big Aunt is wasted on birthdays, and Second Aunt does have a loyal following at the salon. As for Fourth Aunt, well, she thinks she’s a celebrity, and she does have a decent voice. We could make it work.
And as soon as I think that, tendrils of excitement unfurl inside me. We could do this. This could be my family’s way out of the crappy little house we’re all cramped in.
The door to the restaurant opens, noise spilling out. Ma brightens when she spots me.
“Aiya, why did you come outside? I was looking for you in the bathroom, but you weren’t there.” She peers at me and frowns. She must’ve sensed that I’m having A Moment, because she switches from Indonesian to English. “You okay? Why so sad?” The fact that she switches to English, despite her not being fluent in it, makes my stomach clench with guilt. She’s already sacrificed so much for my sake, and I can’t even communicate with her in her mother tongue.
I force a smile. “I’m not sad. I’m just trying to digest this whole family business thing.”
“Ah, yes. Very big deal. But if you not interested, it’s okay. We don’t need photographer.”
I stare at her. “But inside, you guys were like, ‘Meddy, you should be our photographer.’”
“Yes, of course we want you to be our photographer. You are the best photographer.”
I laugh bitterly. “Ma, you don’t know that. I’m a total newbie. I’d probably make a mess of everything.”
“It’s okay, we are all new babies. We start slow. You do that thing, what is it called? Spirit another photographer?”
“Shadow.”
“Ah, yes. You become a shadow to wedding photographer, you learn first, then when you graduate, you can do this. But if you think, no, I don’t like this wedding photography, then no need to join family business, it is okay.”
I take her hands in mine. It’s hard for her to tell me it’s okay, that I don’t have to join them, because I can see plainly how excited she is about the idea of us all working together. “I’ll do it, Ma.”
“Really?” She looks so happy it breaks my heart.
“Yeah, of course. I’ll look into wedding photography. I want to do this with you.”
“Aduh, sayangku.” Ma pulls me into a hug. It’s not as tight as the ones Nathan’s family gives, but it’s sweet in its own way. “You make your mama so happy.”
I hug her back and close my eyes. I guess I’ll tell them about Nathan some other time.
7
Present Day
I sit in the garage for what seems like hours, wondering just how the hell my life has spun so out of control. And what in the world am I even doing here? Why am I home, instead of at the police station? It might not be too late. I could probably still go to the cops, explain everything. They’d be sympathetic, maybe. But when I think about turning the engine back on and driving out of the garage again, every drop of energy leaks out of me. I slump against the wheel, boneless. I just need to stay here for a bit. Gather enough courage. Decide what I would say to the police.
There’s a sharp knock on the window. I jump so hard I bump my head on the roof of the car. Now I know what the saying “jumped out of their skin” means.
“What are you doing in there? You drunk? Aduh, were you drunk driving?” Ma calls out in Indonesian, her voice muffled through the window.
I open the car door, heart thundering. “Ma, you scared me!”
She frowns at me. “What is it, Meddy? What’s wrong?”
I wasn’t planning on telling her anything. Of course I wasn’t—the last person I want to tell is Ma. She wouldn’t know what to do, or say, or—