He does so, gently, and the second my toes touch the floor, I start pacing about the small room. Thoughts race through my head at Nathan’s news. What does it mean? It means, dumbass, that he’s going to move to New York. Wait, does it mean that? He hasn’t said he accepted. But how can he not accept? It’s the biggest business consulting company in the country, if not the world. And it’s New York! But what about his dream of staying here in California and opening a hotel? What about it? It was obviously just that, a dream.
“You okay?” Nathan says, rubbing his hands up and down my arms. “I wasn’t actually done telling you stuff.”
“Oh?” My head pops up like a meerkat. Maybe he’s going to tell me he got an even better offer, from an even bigger consulting firm that I have never heard of. Which would be totally plausible.
Nathan’s eyes grow soft, and he takes my hands again. “I’d love it if you’d come with me, Meddy.”
My mouth drops open. No sound comes out of it. My mind, whatever’s left of it, has short-circuited.
“Meddy? Hmm. Did I break you?” He waves a hand right in front of my face. “Hey.”
“Sorry. What? Come with you? To New York?”
“Yeah,” he laughs. “Come with me. We’ll explore the Big Apple together. We can get an apartment together; we’ll wake up next to each other every morning. I’ll make you a latte and get you fresh bagels every day. It’s a great city for photographers. You’d have your work in galleries, Meddy, I know it. You’re brilliant.”
My knees grow weak. God, I want all those things so badly. I want me and Nathan in a tiny New York City apartment with exposed brick walls and wood floors and those old school radiators.
But.
New York. That’s so far away, it might as well be another country. What would Ma do without me? I’d be no better than my male cousins, leaving home as soon as they could. No, I’d be even worse, because I gave Ma and my aunties false hope, led them to believe that I’d stay before ripping their hearts right out. Ma would be devastated. Big Aunt would shake her head with disappointment and say, “Wah, turn out girl not blessing. Same as boy, leave us behind.” And Second Aunt and Fourth Aunt would give me disapproving looks as they comfort Ma.
No, I’m better than my cousins. Better than my uncles—and I sure as hell am better than my father. I won’t abandon my family. Not for love, not for anything.
“I—” I pause. I can’t just tell Nathan that I won’t go with him to New York. What if he decides to stay in California because of me? I can’t do that to him. I won’t. I won’t make him give up his dreams for me, not when I’m not prepared to give up mine for him. And let’s not forget about the curse. I’ve always known our relationship is doomed, that there will come a time when Nathan will leave me. I should take matters into my own hands and make sure this will work out okay for Nathan. As it should. It’s too good of an opportunity for him. The thought makes me want to vomit, but it’s clear what needs to happen.
This, then, will be my gift to Nathan.
I turn away from him. I can’t do this while looking at his beautiful, beloved face. I make myself laugh a little. “Well, that’s good. I, uh, I wasn’t sure how to tell you this before, but um. I think it’s best if we, um, if we break up. Yeah.”
“What?”
My gaze darts toward him, just long enough to register the plain shock on his face.
“Yeah, we’ve been together like basically all of our adult lives. I kind of want to see what else is out there. Don’t you?”
Nathan looks like he could put his fist through the wall. “No, I don’t. What the hell, Meddy?”
My chest squeezes like a fist, threatening to crush my heart, my lungs. I struggle to breathe. “I’m sorry, I was planning to tell you after graduation, but this feels like a good time. Now that you’re going to New York, and I’ll be staying in L.A. . . . it’s all for the best, you know?”
His face is a picture of pain and betrayal. “No, I don’t know. What the—how long have you been feeling this way?”
It’s a struggle to keep from falling apart. I swallow the lump in my throat. Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry. “Um, a while.”
“A while?” He gapes at me for a bit, then barks a mirthless laugh. “Jesus.” He shakes his head and rakes a hand through his hair. Takes a long, shuddering breath. “I was gonna . . .” He shakes his head again. “Never mind. I—I’m gonna go. I’ll, uh, come by for my stuff later. Or something.”