He laughs a little awkwardly. “I thought you weren’t seeing anyone, but—” He laughs again, an utterly humorless sound, and the look on his face is unbearable to see. Betrayal. My heart crumples at the sight of it. A small part of me insists this is worse, much worse than shock-horror. A small part of me wants to shout: “No! It’s not a boyfriend! Just some blind date I killed last night; he means nothing to me, I swear! I didn’t even know his real name before I killed the guy!”
But I stay there, blinking idiotically, letting the love of my life think I’m some cheating asshole who would go around making out with him while I’m still attached to some guy who’s apparently napping in my room.
“Anyway.” Nathan gives me a tight-lipped smile, the kind you give to the overly friendly cashier at Trader Joe’s to get them to stop talking. “I’ll see you around, Meddy.” And with that, he leaves. I melt back inside my room, close the door and lean against it, tears already pooling in my eyes. My chest hurts, like someone’s just reached in with an iron fist, shattering my ribs, grabbed my heart, and wrenched it out, but there’s nothing I can do to stop Nathan from leaving.
22
Ma finds me curled up on the other bed, crying as if I’ve just been watching one of her K-dramas.
“Meddy?” She hurries to my side and gives my shoulder a little shake. “Kenapa? What happened? Why you cry?”
I look up and the sight of her round, lined face is too much to bear. A fresh wave of tears bursts out of me and I babble, “I’m sorry, Ma. I’m so sorry.” It’s all too much, all of it. Ah Guan. Ma and her sisters helping me with Ah Guan without a single word of complaint. And how in truth, I’ve been plotting to get out of the family business for months.
And, of course, Nathan. How I’d met my soulmate in college, fallen irrevocably in love, and never told Ma about it. It’s stupid, but it feels like the biggest betrayal somehow. And now I’ve lost him again.
“It’s just—” I take a breath. “Things have gotten so complicated. And I’m so sorry that I got you into all of this.”
She breathes out. “Aiya. Of course I get into all of this.” She gestures vaguely in Ah Guan’s direction. “I’m your mother. I must protect you.”
“But that’s just it, Ma. I don’t want you to protect me. You’ve been doing it this whole time and I’m grateful, but I wish I weren’t such a mess, you know? I wish you didn’t need to protect me.”
Ma gives me a small, sad smile and puts a hand on my cheek, the way she’s done ever since I was big enough to remember. “You’re not a mess. You just kill by accident only. Bad luck. Can happen to anyone.”
That makes me laugh despite everything. “I don’t think accidentally killing your date is something that can happen to anyone, Ma.” I sigh. “I haven’t been honest with you, and with everything that’s been happening, I don’t know if I’ll get the chance to tell you the truth about Nathan, so . . . I want to tell you, Ma. I don’t want to keep things from you anymore.”
A light dawns on Mama’s face, shaving off years and making her look so young and vibrant, I catch a glimpse of her as a twenty-something, full of fire and laughter. “Yes,” she says. “Tell me.”
Minutes later, we sit on the balcony, cupping hot mugs of tea in our hands.
“I met Nathan the first week of college. It was love at first sight, which I realize is cheesy as hell, but . . . Yeah.”
She laughs. “You know, I meet your dad at wedding. He keep smiling, smiling at me, aduh, I was so irritated at him. I said, ‘Eh, you look at me for what, ah? Can you stop looking?’ and he said, ‘I like staring at beauty.’ And that’s it, BAM, fell in love.”
The thought of Papa and Mama being young and in love is a bittersweet one. “How come you can still talk about him so fondly, after everything that’s happened?”
“Oh, Meddy. Because I got you. And your papa was very kind in the beginning. Always listen to me, very good man. We try hard to be good to each other. And it didn’t work out, but it is okay, we got you, that is good enough.”
I reach out and squeeze her hand. It’s smooth, smoother than mine, and I remember the feel of it when I was young, stroking my hair as I cried in her lap after getting bullied or failing a test. My mother’s always had such smooth hands, but now I see wrinkles and age spots on them too, and the sight is so jarring. When did she get old on me?