“Why her first?” Second Aunt demands.
I shrug. “I don’t know, ’cause she’s the eldest? Isn’t that how the rules go? Anyway, we don’t have all day, so . . . Big Aunt? What happened from your point of view?”
Big Aunt shoots Second Aunt one last magnificent glare before dragging her gaze to mine. Her face softens, and she begins telling her story in rapid Mandarin.
“I went back to the kitchen to look for a waiter’s uniform for Ah Guan. There are so many waiters and other sorts of servers around, I thought it would be the perfect disguise. It’s a good idea, right?”
It takes a moment before I realize she’s actually expecting an answer, and I hurriedly nod. “Yes, very good idea.”
“So I made sure to be extra careful. I went to the locker room and checked that no one was inside, and then I looked inside the lockers one by one and aha! I found one! A waiter’s uniform. I even got his shoes. I remembered, you see, that Ah Guan didn’t have shoes on. I’m all about the details, you know, because of my work,” she adds with obvious pride.
It takes a moment for me to work out all the Mandarin words, and when I do, I say, “Yes, you are very detailed, Big Aunt. So you found a waiter’s uniform . . . but why is Ah Guan not wearing it?”
“Exactly! Why he not wearing it? You ask her!” Big Aunt says triumphantly, switching to English and pointing a finger straight at Second Aunt’s face. God, she’s good. Now that she’s done telling her part, she’s switched to English to goad Second Aunt into relaying her story in English too.
“You take so long!” Second Aunt says, rising to the bait. “And I know you will make mistake, forget this and that. Already you make such big mess of everything. Why I should stay there and wait for you to make more mistake, I ask myself? Why? No. This time, I will take charge. I have to go to groom’s suite because groom and groomsmen want hair done, so okay, I go. Inside, I see, waduh, got so many of them. So many! And all their groomsmen clothes just lying around, and these silly boys all drinking and not pay any attention, so I think, aha! This is perfect disguise. Got so many groomsmen here, who will notice one extra one? So when they not looking, I take a set and I rush back to room.”
“If it makes you feel any better, your mother and I helped to put the groomsman’s clothes on him,” Fourth Aunt pipes up.
How’s that even remotely supposed to make me feel any better?
Ma must have read the look on my face, because she says, “We are always listening to Big Aunt—” She turns to Big Aunt and adds, “Da Jie, you always give very good advice, but this time we think maybe give Er Jie a chance, since she come back with the groomsman uniform so fast.”
I slap my forehead. “It’s not about who to listen to, it’s about assessing who has the best plan!”
Big Aunt nods smugly.
“Well, at the time, it seemed like dressing him up as a groomsman was the best plan,” Fourth Aunt says.
“I just—I mean—no offense to you, Second Aunt, but it’s a terrible idea! What about the poor groomsman you guys stole the suit from? Where is he?”
“Probably snoring, dead drunk, in a closet someplace,” Fourth Aunt says with a wave of her hand.
“But—”
“Stop interrupting,” Fourth Aunt says. “Anyway, so we dressed him up as a groomsman and decided that while everyone’s busy getting ready for the ceremony, we’d try to get rid of him then.”
“So we each take one arm and then we carry him out the room,” Ma says. “We think maybe we can carry him to the back garden, leave him there on the bench, then will take long time before people find him. Nobody go to back garden, right?”
“This is not a well thought-out plan,” I moan.
“It is very well thought out! How will anyone know we have something to do with groom man dead body?” Ma cries.
I open and close my mouth, but no words come out.
“But halfway to back garden, you all come to hallway on your way to look for tea ceremony present,” Second Aunt says. “We panic! Waduh, what if they see us with body? So we quickly hide behind room service cart.”
Oh god. This is getting worse by the second.
“It was an awesome room service cart. It had all these bottles of champagne in it,” Fourth Aunt says. “Which gave me an idea. I ran back to my room and got a bottle of absinthe—”
“Why do you have a bottle of absinthe?” I can’t keep the shock out of my voice.