She smiled. “No. I was kinda joking because it’s literally his job to stare at you.” She turned around and waved at him. “But now I know it’s more than that.”
I grabbed her arm to make her face forward again. “He’s the only one at the Pruitts’ apartment that isn’t a monster.”
“I thought you were getting along better with Satan?” Satan was Kennedy’s new affectionate term for Mr. Pruitt.
“I don’t know. Sometimes he’s nice. Sometimes he’s rude. I don’t know if he means to be. But I don’t fit in with any of them.”
“And you fit in with Miller?”
“Yes.” It came out as more of a question than a statement.
Kennedy laughed and adjusted her thin fall jacket. I made a mental note to give her one of my new ones. “Doesn’t he remind you of someone?” she asked.
“What?”
“Brooklyn, he’s just an older-looking version of Matt.”
“He is not.”
“Um…yes he is. Matt a few years in the future with brown hair.”
I turned and looked at him. His broad shoulders. His easy smile. Not that Matt’s smile came easy anymore. I quickly turned back around. “I don’t see it.” But it was a lie. I did see it. Is that why I climbed into his bed each night and let him hold me?
The marching band had come onto the field, making it a little harder for us to talk. But that didn’t deter Kennedy.
“I bet Miller played football when he was in high school,” she said.
I shook my head. Yes, maybe Miller looked a little like Matt. But the resemblance ended there. Miller couldn’t be more different. And he was definitely no jock. I knew for a fact that his muscles were from a moving company he used to work for before Mr. Pruitt hired him. He’d told me so. Miller wasn’t cocky. He wasn’t privileged. He was real. He was like me.
“Are you two serious?” she asked.
I shrugged. “He knows I still like Matt.”
“You’re still in love with Matt after everything he did?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Yeah. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Brooklyn, he kept you a secret for weeks because he didn’t want James to know he’d screwed Rachel. He lied to you. He…”
“Technically he didn’t lie. He just didn’t tell me.”
She shook her head. “Same difference.”
“Is this the part of the lecture where you tell me you warned me about the Untouchables? That guys like that don’t end up with girls like us?”
“What? No. It’s not a lecture at all. I’m just worried about you. It’s not like you to tell Felix you love him, then Matt within the same day, and now you’re with Miller a few days later? I’m worried about you.”
I bit the inside of my lip.
“What’s going on with you?” she asked.
I wanted to tell her she barely knew me better than any of those guys. But that wasn’t true. She knew me. Which was why it didn’t feel like I could filter myself. “I think maybe I just miss the feeling of being loved by someone. Unconditionally. And I know that there’s conditions with all of them. But for a few seconds when Miller holds me, I feel like someone’s on my side. Like I’m not alone.”
She kicked my shin lightly. “Girl, you have me. I love you. My mom loves you.”
“But I’m not allowed to live with you guys. Do you have any idea what it’s like for me to go back to the Pruitts’ after school every day? To live down the freaking hall from Isabella? I’m terrified all the time. I’m scared of her and her mom. I’m even scared of Mr. Pruitt. I don’t trust any of them. Some mornings my bedroom door is open. Did you know that? And I lock it, Kennedy. I swear I lock it.”
She pressed her lips together. “I’m not judging you. I’m just worried about you. If you still like Matt, you should tell him. Or if you like Felix more…” her voice trailed off. “You should tell him that then.”
I stared at her. She didn’t get what it was like in my shoes. Yes, she’d lost a parent. But she didn’t lose her only parent. And she didn’t lose Uncle Jim the same way I had. We both loved him, but I needed him. He was all I’d had left. And now I felt starved for love. Just thinking about it made me feel cheap. I owed Felix an apology. I owed Miller an apology. I even owed Matt an apology, but I wouldn’t give it to him because he owed me a lot more. But the worst part was, I was worried I loved a piece of each of them. I was too confused to know better. I just liked the way they made me feel.