“Jorgen,” Rig said, “I jumped on the going-rogue train with you all when I left with you for ReDawn. It’s a little late to reconsider now.” He squeezed FM’s hand, and then he took off down the corridor toward the dormitories.
We were all on that train, and it was my scudding fault. The corridor walls seemed to squeeze in on me, and I closed my eyes.
“Jorgen,” FM said.
I didn’t respond.
“Say something so I know you’re not about to cut the platform apart from the inside.”
“I’m not,” I said. I could control it. I would control it.
“He’s setting us up,” she said.
“Yes.”
“He’s going to try to make you look like this rogue who doesn’t care about orders. There’s a piece of irony.”
I wasn’t the only person who saw it. That was comforting. “Only if it goes wrong.”
“Of course,” FM says. “If we succeed, he’ll probably try to take credit.”
That was exactly what he would do.
“So,” FM said, “are we going to call up the flights?”
That was what I should be doing. The others needed us.
But I couldn’t move. I knew I should be acting, but was this really what I was doing now? Running off on another set of not-orders toward—what? Did I really think we could take down the entire Superiority air force with a couple of flights and one platform? Even if Rig got a few other platforms to move, did we stand a chance? We’d won on ReDawn, but that could have been a fluke. A bit of false hope that preceded total destruction. I could be leading everyone I cared about to their deaths, and it was my call, my idea, my decision—
I couldn’t watch anyone else I loved die like that.
In my mind, I watched the Superiority ship explode again.
Boom.
FM grabbed me by the arm, and I startled.
“Jorgen,” she said. “Talk to me. You’re starting to freak out again, and I really do not want to be diced up by your mindblades.”
Stars, was she afraid of me? “I’m sorry,” I said.
“Don’t be sorry. You aren’t alone in this. I know you think you are, but you’re not.”
“He’s making me make the call,” I said. “But is this the right one? I think it’s what Cobb would do. But I don’t really know, do I? And if I’m wrong…”
“This isn’t all on you,” FM insisted.
“It is.”
“You still believe in the chain of command, right?”
“Yes,” I said. “And we’re operating way outside of it.” By orders. Sort of. Two separate commanders had sort of ordered me to do this, and the “sort of” part felt like it was going to break my brain.
“It’s a chain for a reason,” she said. “It’s not one person at the top all alone doing everything. Yeah, ultimately you make the decisions. And you are doing a scudding good job of that, okay? But we’re all here to support you. The only piece you have to do on your own is the final word.”
“I know,” I said. “But at the end of the day, it’s my call that saves people or gets people killed.” Maybe both. Stars, why was it always both?
“That’s true,” FM said. “But we’re all here supporting you because we trust your judgment.”
“You question my judgment all the time!” I said. “On Sunreach, I was going to make the call to leave the flight behind. And maybe we could have gone back for them, but maybe we couldn’t have, and who knows how many of them would have died in the meantime. You figured out how to save their lives. Not me.”
“Okay,” FM said. “But what about ReDawn? You made the call to stay and take out that Superiority ship. We could have cut and run after the cytonic inhibitors were taken out, but you risked all of our lives to destroy that battleship and protect the people of ReDawn, and that was clearly the right thing to do.”
“What about when I chewed you out for stealing the taynix and bringing them to Wandering Leaf?” I asked. “You didn’t think I was doing the right thing then.”
FM closed her eyes. We’d been avoiding this conversation ever since that happened. I didn’t want to have it now—or ever—but I also wasn’t going to let her pretend that she always agreed with me.
“I was angry with you,” she said quietly. “And I was scudding scared. I said things I didn’t mean. And I’m sorry I said those things, I really am, because they aren’t true. You are my flightleader, and you’re scudding good at it, Jorgen.”