If you were here, with us, on Earth, I’d ask your opinion on what to name your new sister.
* * *
—
Your father wrote another hit single. It’s about you, actually. He sent me the song after he recorded it. It’s called “Lost Angel,” and from the lyrics it’s hard to know exactly what he was writing about. But once he told me, it was easy to see.
I’m still the theme of his life, he said.
He’s still not the theme of mine.
But I’m hoping that my theme is changing. That instead of looking back and seeing only loss, what I’ll see instead is love.
I loved him, I love the baby I’m carrying and the ones I lost. I love Ezra. I love my parents, my friends, my sister, music.
My life has always been filled with love. I just didn’t know where to look for it.
It’s taken me thirty-four years to figure it out.
I’m glad I did.
In your father’s song for you, he sings about a lost angel watching over those he loves. If he’s right, if that’s true, please watch over your sister. Please keep her safe.
I’m sorry I wasn’t able to do that for you.
But I’ll remember you forever.
I’ll keep your memory safe.
In my heart, you’ll never be lost.
acknowledgments
I started writing this book a few months before my husband, Andrew, and I got engaged, and continued working on it through most of our first year of marriage. Loving him and being with him made me think so much about the transformation that happens when two people decide to unite their lives. I feel so lucky to have found Andrew and to have grown with him over the last years, creating a life in which two became one but also remain two. I’m so grateful for his support, his excitement about my books, and—most of all—his love.
During the time I wrote this, I had so many readers who graciously and generously offered their thoughts and feedback and made this book so much better than it was originally. My deepest gratitude goes to my writing group—Marianna Baer, Anna Godbersen, Anne Heltzel, Marie Rutkoski, and Eliot Schrefer—and to Talia Benamy, Jessica Carp, Gillian Engberg, Sarah Fogelman, Suzanne Foger, Kim Grant, and Cheryl Klein, all dear friends （one’s also a dear sister） who shared their ideas and experiences and asked astute questions that made me think more deeply about my characters. Thank you, too, to the various experts who offered their thoughts and answered my hours of questions about therapy, music, and medicine: Carrie Bashoff, Greta Hanson, Lock McKelvey, Elizabeth Salick, and Ira Sweetwine. I so appreciate the help—and loved learning more about all of these fields.
This book never would have happened without my dream agent/editor duo. Thank you to Miriam Altshuler, whose excitement for these initial pages gave me the confidence I needed to continue, and who is not just an agent but a partner, a champion, and a friend. And to Tara Singh Carlson, whose intelligence, thoughtfulness, and thoroughness are awe-inspiring, and who I am so grateful I get to work with. I can’t imagine creating books without both of you incredible women. Thank you, too, to Reiko Davis at DeFiore and Company, and to the phenomenal folks at Putnam and Penguin Random House who design, copyedit, market, publicize, license, and publish all my books so beautifully: Ivan Held, Christine Ball, Sally Kim, Helen Richard, Ashley Di Dio, Leigh Butler, Tom Dussel, Kate Boggs, Alexis Welby, Ashley Hewlett, Katie McKee, Ashley Clay, Brennin Cummings, Nishtha Patel, Kelly Gildea, Katie Punia, Vi-An Nguyen, Sanny Chiu, Anthony Ramondo, Monica Cordova, Ben Lee, Claire Sullivan, Andrea St. Aubin, and Maija Baldauf. And thank you to the folks at Penguin Young Readers—especially the team at Philomel Books—for being such an understanding and supportive cheering squad while I juggled everything.
I also want to thank my ever-growing family whose love and support buoy me: My mom, Beth Santopolo; my nearly-stepdad, David Turret; my sisters, Alison May and Suzanne Foger; my grandparents Beverly Franklin and Larry Franklin; my nearly-stepbrothers and their families; my in-laws Dan, Flavia, and Becky Claster; and all of my nieces, nephews, brothers-in-law, aunts, uncles, and cousins. And, of course, my dad, who has been gone for five years but will always be in my heart and my mind.
I would be remiss if I didn’t thank all the music teachers in my life, particularly Robyn Chase, Nick Lieto, Jim Dragovich, and Eric Williams, who made me fall in love with making music. I’m not even close to as talented as Emily, but I treasure all my time singing in the show choir and concert chorale, playing flute and piccolo in the band, and learning my favorite songs on the piano. You all gave me a remarkable gift.