“I feel awful.”
“Everyone knew he was in love with you. I saw his face when Collin proposed, and it was so sad.”
“Now I feel worse.”
“You didn’t lead him on, but damn, how I miss having boy problems.”
“You have the perfect husband.”
“He left the toilet seat up last night and didn’t flush. I fell into the toilet and woke up both my children, and we all screamed until dawn. I’m still not talking to him.”
I can’t help the laughter that bubbles up. The world I left seems so far away now as I gaze at Roman’s front door.
“I’ve really lost it this time, haven’t I?”
“No, you did the right thing.”
“You think so?”
“No, Collin is gorgeous, funny, charming, and your equal in every way.”
“I hate you.”
“You love me. But if you don’t love him enough to marry him, you shouldn’t marry him.”
“I do love Collin, just not the way I love him.”
“It’s unhealthy.”
“I know.”
“That man has caused you nothing but pain.”
“I know.”
“He wrecked you.”
“I know. And when I saw him today, I swear to God, my whole body lit up. I didn’t imagine it, Christy, none of it.”
“And did he feel the same way?”
“Even Ryan said he felt it.”
“He said that?”
“Yes.”
“So, I’m guessing after six years he still holds a grudge because you slept with his brother?”
Lies, all lies I told in lieu of the truth I can never confess.
Even so, part of me thinks that’s some of the reason why it was so easy for Tobias to keep his distance and let me go.
“What are you doing, Cecelia?”
“I don’t know,” I say as the day catches up with me. I picture Collin in our house, staring at the wedding invitations I left stacked on the table. Tears gather and fall at the thought. I can’t imagine what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling.
“What have I done?”
“You threw your life away for a man who doesn’t at all deserve you. Babe, a better friend would have you admitted.”
“I know it seems crazy, but I have to see this through.”
“Go back to Collin. He’ll take you back.”
“I told him the truth.”
“You what?!”
“I had to.” And today was all the proof I needed. It was there. Healthy or not. It was there, everything I felt for him, and I can’t deny it. Especially now.
“Jesus, Cecelia. What did Collin say?”
“He hung up on me. And I don’t blame him.”
“What a shitshow. Look, I know I was joking, but are you okay?”
“No. No, I’m not. But what am I supposed to do? I can’t continue living a lie, and that’s all I’ve been doing. It’s not fair to either of us and today…I got my answer. Not that it’s the one I wanted, but it was there. It was still there. I hate that I’m still in love with him. I hate that being within feet of him had the same effect on me.”
“Do you want him back?”
“I don’t want to love him,” I whisper hoarsely. “Stupidly, I thought…”
“Thought what?”
“I thought I would see him, and my adult brain would kick in and reason with my stupid heart.”
“That you would see him differently, and it would put your feelings in perspective?”
“Exactly.”
“But that’s not what happened.”
“No.”
“Well, I love you. And if this is what you feel you need to do, and where you need to be, then do it. I’m behind you, and I’ll be here. Just try to get some sleep.”
“I will. I Love you.”
“Love you.”
Making my way up to the bedroom, I feel the weight of the day take its toll. For years I’ve imagined this day, seeing Tobias again and finally being able to unleash some of my anger while gaining the upper hand. But it never works out like I imagine it would. And with him, it never will. But Christy is right. If I ever had a chance of making it with anyone, it was Collin. And despite my emotions winning and the realizations I’ve been faced with, remorse wins as I pull my engagement ring out of my purse, slip it on my finger, and cry myself to sleep.
Ryan sips his coffee and eyes me over his laptop. “He’s going to blow a gasket when he sees this. Daily morning meetings? Moving headquarters temporarily to Triple Falls, and, are you serious?” He points to the list of conditions I handed him.