“You think I wouldn’t understand. You don’t want to tell me what you want because you don’t think I can give it to you?”
“I know you wouldn’t want to know this side of me. And I don’t want you to see it. That’s not who you fell for.”
“Stop telling me what I know about you!”
His anger is warranted, and so I let him have it. I put this train in motion and I need to see it through. He gives me a minute of silence before he speaks up.
“So, are you with them now?”
“No,” I hate that’s his conclusion. “Not at all. That’s not what this is. I’m not sure I’ll see him.”
“Him? Just one? I’m so confused.”
“I was upset last night, and maybe I explained myself horribly.” I wince, knowing no amount of whiskey will ever help this confession. “I told you when I was younger, I was in a polyamorous relationship for a few short months.”
“Yes.”
“But my feelings ran deep, Collin, really deep for both men, and after it ended, I fell in love with another, and he’s the one that I haven’t let go of. But full disclosure, I still have lingering feelings for them all.”
“Is this…” I can physically feel the gap splintering further between us, “is this what your dreams are about?”
“Yes.”
“Jesus, Cecelia.”
“It was one year, one year of my life, but it changed me. And I haven’t been able to fully move on since because of how that time with them altered me and how it ended. And that’s the reason I’ve never been able to give you what you need, what you fully deserve.”
“I’m no less guilty of having lingering affection, feelings for the women in my past. I’ve had moments, here and there. It’s all part of it.”
“It’s more than that, Collin. The unreasonable part of me still exists in a time I can’t erase or can never go back to. Because no matter how hard I try to forget it, it won’t let me.” I take another sip, and then another, terrified of admitting more of the truth. “I’ve been hiding things from you.”
“Like what?”
I grapple with the words and know the impact they’ll have.
“I deserve the truth,” he demands.
“You do.” I close my eyes and bring the glass to my lips, taking a long drink and bracing myself. “Sometimes, after we have sex, I fantasize about them while you’re in the shower.”
Over the line, I hear a pained breath leave him, and know I’ve just butchered his pride.
“Do you masturbate thinking about them after fucking me?!”
I confirm with my silence. It’s cruel, but necessary, though I’m not about to drill it into his head. I have to get through to him. I don’t want to draw this out. And I don’t want to give him hope where there is none.
“Bloody hell, Cecelia, you thought about them while we were in our bed!?”
Him. But I don’t correct him. I want his anger. I deserve it. Because my admission isn’t fabricated. It’s the absolute truth.
The more I reveal to him, put words to years of thinking it, the more I realize I’m doing the right thing. I was about to marry into my own lie.
“Collin, my sexual depravity aside, I can’t love you the way you deserve.”
“Whatever you think you lack, it’s in your head. You make me happy.”
“And at times you made me happy too, you know you did, but I can’t marry you. I’ve been lying in different degrees since we met. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Collin. I already miss you. I’m already regretting this, but this is the truth, and I’m so tired of fighting it.”
“I’m not a fucking prude, Cecelia. I’ll give you any fantasy you want.”
“It’s not just about sex, Collin. My heart was never in the right place, just…”
I palm my face, my lips shaking, my voice anguished as I ruin a relationship with a man who’s done nothing short of worship me. “I’m still in love with the memory of another man and have been since I was twenty. It’s clear now, I’ll never stop wanting him, and I’ve failed at every attempt to hate him. I had hoped so much to move on—and with you—I tried, I tried so hard, but I failed. I failed us both.”
“And you don’t know if you’ll see him? What future can you have with a memory?”
“One that’s not deceptive to you. One that doesn’t hurt you. I don’t care about my happiness anymore so much, but I refuse to ruin yours. I’ve been selfish enough in my thinking. Find a woman who would move heaven and earth to be good to you. Find her, and one day, maybe you can forgive me. One day, maybe you’ll say you’ll try to forgive me.”