CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
SCARLETT
揝carlett? Scarlett??
I blink and glance at Leah, who抯 giving me a strange look.
揧es??
揑 was just asking if you had any comments on the October issue before we end the meeting.?
I glance down at the pages of notes in front of me. Rub my forehead in an attempt to alleviate the headache building. 揘o. This all looks great. Good work, everyone.?
Silence follows. Silence with a shocked undertone. I always have notes. Suggestions. Input. I抦 too distracted to come up with any right now.
I stand, needing out of this room. I抦 exhausted. I want to snuggle up on the couch in sweatpants with a bottle of wine and Crew.
Except the wine might not be an option. I realized my period was late梩wo weeks late梖our days ago. I抳e been so busy I didn抰 realize how quickly time is passing.
I抦 pregnant.
I think.
I抳e thrown up every morning for the past few days. I抳e been emotional. Tired. And I抦 late, which has never happened before. But I don抰 know if I抦 pregnant for certain because I抦 afraid to find out. I never thought I抎 call myself a coward, but that抯 exactly who I am right now. I抦 terrified to know for sure. Terrified to tell Crew. If I抦 this far along, he knocked me up in Italy, possibly the first time we slept together.
He抣l probably be proud. Our families will be thrilled.
And I抦協reaking out.
Also, I feel like I抦 going to be sick. Again. Lately, my 搈orning sickness?has felt a lot like all-day nausea. Talk about false advertising. I don抰 know anything about babies or pregnancy. I thought I would have time. I wanted time. Crew抯 swimmers clearly had other ideas. Statistically speaking, we抳e had plenty of sex to make pregnancy a possibility. Protected sex. If I抦 really six weeks along, we conceived back when he was still wearing condoms. Ninety-nine percent effective? I guess we抮e part of the one percent in more ways than one.
I抦 not against having kids. I knew we would, eventually. Crew wants kids, although I know part of that urge is fueled by his father. It just feels fast. Soon. We weren抰 a couple before we got married. It took us a month to have sex. We抳e finally found an equilibrium that this will shake. Sharing responsibility for a dog was an adjustment. Having a child is a huge change for any couple. For us, it will come with a whole host of complications I was happy to put off for a while.
I hobble down the hall in my heels, wishing I could take them off and chuck them at the wall. I抦 sleep-deprived. And possibly hormonal. As soon as we have sex, Crew is out like a light. I抳e laid awake the past few nights, worrying about all the ways this will change our lives.
My office is a sanctuary. When I bought this magazine, I spent hours deciding how every inch would be decorated. I hold all my meetings here. It makes a statement, the colors bold but not garish. Abstract paintings line the wall above the white leather sofa. Framed issues of Haute are displayed on the opposite wall, above a table that always boasts a fresh arrangement of flowers. They抮e peonies today. The floral scent usually makes me happy. Right now, it makes me want to hurl.
I take a seat at my desk, firing off a few rapid replies to the emails that came in during the meeting I just left. I have a thousand things to do: photo shoot approvals, communications with advertisers, and arrangements with different vendors. A few months ago, I抎 be ordering takeout and settling in for a few more hours here.
All I want to do right now is go home.
My eyes fall to the framed photograph to the right of my computer. I placed it there as a prop, a testament to the women can have it all mentality: a happy home life and a successful career. I already had the successful career, and I抳e always known I have the capability to accomplish whatever project I want to. For the past nine years, I抳e also known I would probably marry Crew Kensington. I just didn抰 know what it would be like being married to him. Confusing and thrilling and fun. He抯 become someone I rely upon and trust and look forward to seeing.
How the hell did that happen?
I thought he抎 have no interest in making this marriage work as anything more than a two-hundred-page document spelling out the consequences if it didn抰。 I banked upon that. Relied upon it. The way we抳e become something so different is both reassuring and worrisome.
The black-and-white photograph of us on our wedding day sitting on my desk doesn抰 look like a prop anymore. It looks real. I can even pinpoint the moment it was snapped, when Crew told me we should have practiced dancing before we got married the same way we kissed before speaking our vows. I抦 smiling, and so is he.
I try to picture a little kid with Crew抯 blue eyes and my dark hair. I can抰。 I抳e never held a baby before; I can抰 even remember the last time I saw one in person.