ZACK: （whispering） Okay, for the viewers at home, Josh is looking at Layla like he’s a dying man in a desert and she is an icy-cold glass of lemonade—
LAYLA: Zack.
ZACK: A very gorgeous glass, that’s wearing a really pretty, very low-cut bralette. That I believe is available in pink, white, fawn, and black.
LAYLA: Aw, are you doing an un-disclaimed sponsorship for me? That’s so cute, babe. Yeah, it’s the latest release in my new Butterfly collection. Check it out on my website.
ZACK: If you like boobs, buy it for your girlfriend. Use the code GREATCLEAVAGE for a twenty percent discount. That’s G-R-E-A-
（Sound of static）
JOSH: Sorry for the interruption, I had to briefly cut Zack’s mic. Technical issues. We’ve had a lot of questions about where this segment will go from here. Since we did, indeed, find Layla love—
LAYLA: For the record, we’ve been together for three months now, and it’s great.
JOSH: Yes, now we get to hear her singing along to ABBA from within the privacy of our own flat, it’s lovely. Anyway, I think we can call the experiment a success. However, we will not be doing any more of this segment. For the sake of our own relationship, I think that would be a terrible idea.
LUKE: But don’t worry — this isn’t the last you’ll be hearing from Layla. Since we’ve parted ways with our old production company, we now have a lot more creative control over the podcast. Which means we’re adding a new segment to the show. We thought it was about time to get a female voice.
LAYLA: That’s right, ladies, the mansplaining is over. I’ll be on the show once a week, talking about all the things that these guys really are unqualified to talk about. Like bikini waxes, and UTIs, and where you can find period pants that actually look good. And also what it feels like to have a ton of metal beads shoved inside your vag.
（Luke coughs violently）
LAYLA: Not that I would know.
JOSH: Right. Until then, do you have any last words for our listeners?
LAYLA: Everyone you love will hurt you, in some way. Most of them, I hope, will do it by accident. Some of them will do it on purpose. Don’t let them win by letting it harden you. Stay trusting. And hopeful. Fall in love again, and again, and again. It’ll be okay. I promise. And ladies, pee after sex.
（Brief pause）
ZACK: So, what happens next?
LAYLA: Well, for starters, I think you guys need to change the name of your podcast.
LAYLA: Also, I’m absolutely using that discount code.
EPILOGUE
FIFTEEN MONTHS LATER
Layla Thompson @HerTreatLayla ?
update: we got married ?
We get married on a flower-filled rooftop in central London, on the day of my thirtieth birthday.
The ceremony is beautiful. The guys all look delicious in dark suits, and I wear a creamy silk dress I designed myself, covered in tiny organza butterflies. We say our vows as the sun sets over the city, streaking the sky in a wash of gold and peach and rose-petal pink. As the last few rays of sunshine fade away from the blackening sky, and the boys each take turns kissing the bride, the rooftop lights up. Hundreds of glowing lanterns illuminate over our heads, and the foliage glows with strings of coloured fairy lights carefully threaded through the leaves and branches.
And then the party starts. Thanks to Zack’s flat-out insistence on an open bar, soon the alcohol is flowing, and everybody is migrating to the flashing disco dance-floor we had set up. I hang back, savouring my slice of frosted birthday cake and watching people dance.
We have way more guests than I would have ever expected at my wedding. My parents are here, chatting to Luke’s niece Lavender, who’s clinging onto the hand of her heavily eye-lined girlfriend. Zack’s parents are happily drinking and jiving in the corner. Josh’s brother Rob also made it, and thankfully didn’t bring Amy with him. Josh told me privately a couple of weeks ago that the couple is currently on a break. She got fired from Emery High last summer, after the Inspection Board decided she was being negligent towards student safety. Apparently, after she lost her job, Amy started to let her sweet facade slip, and some of her usual nastiness began to show. Luckily, Rob is having absolutely none of it.
It sounds bad, but I hope they break up. Rob seems like a lovely guy. He deserves better than her.
Josh also took it upon himself to invite every listener who once invited the boys to their weddings. He said it was only fair. So now the roof is practically overflowing with energy and laughter as people drink and dance and mingle. It’s a good reflection of how my life has been going recently. Ever since the engagement, my life has been a whirlwind of love and work and happiness.