JOSH: We have a friend who’s lived in our building for the past couple of years. She’s loud, uses too much hot water, and is a generally terrible neighbor. If you ever heard muffled ABBA in the background of our quarantine episodes, that’s her.
LAYLA: Hey!
JOSH: Wait your turn. Anyway, this friend recently came to us for some relationship advice. It turns out, she’s terrible at dating.
LUKE: She’s a beautiful girl, incredibly successful, and has loads going for her, but for some reason, she can’t pay a guy to go on a second date with her.
ZACK: She probably couldn’t pay him to finish his first date with her. They tend to jump out of the restaurant bathroom’s window before the first course is served.
LAYLA: That only happened once. For the record.
JOSH: Shh. So we’ve decided, in the name of charity, that we’re going to help our friend out. And you’re coming along with us. For the next few weeks, we’re going to be conducting a dating experiment. Layla, can you say hello?
LAYLA: Hello.
（Long pause）
ZACK: Aww. My little pudding pop is shy.
LAYLA: I am not shy.
ZACK: Of course, you’re not. Introduce yourself, dumpling.
LAYLA: Um. Hello. I’m Layla Thompson. I’m twenty-eight. I run my own clothing company. And I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’d love to have at least one relationship before I turn thirty, so I figured, if I have to share a wall with these three losers, I may as well use their dating expertise.
ZACK: I wish you guys were here in the studio right now, so you could see how hard she’s blushing.
LAYLA: I’m not blushing, you hog.
ZACK: It’s so cute. Her cheeks are bright pink. She looks like a little raspberry.
（A clattering sound, followed by a muffled groan）
JOSH: For the listeners at home, our guest speaker just kicked over Zack’s chair.
LUKE: She’s surprisingly strong.
LAYLA: Surprising?! Do I look weak?
JOSH: Can we get back on track, please? For the next six weeks, we’ll be giving Layla the full boyfriend experience. We’re calling the segment ‘The Fake Date Experiment’。
ZACK: ‘Cause we’re gonna be her fake boyfriends, basically. So she can hone her non-existent skills.
JOSH: Exactly. We’ll be taking her on dates, inviting her over for dinner, and giving her our best tips on flirting and body language — as well as how to progress dates to the next level.
ZACK: Oh la la.
JOSH: The goal of this segment isn’t to find you a boyfriend, L. Frankly, we’re not miracle workers. But if we can make you more comfortable dating, we’ll have done our job. （He pauses） No matter what happens, it will at least be entertaining.
LAYLA: I’m glad to amuse.
JOSH: Alright, Layla. We’ll catch up with you next week, when we have transformed you into someone men might possibly find mildly attractive.
LAYLA: The next time you do laundry, I’m gonna pour paint into the washing machine mid-spin cycle.
JOSH: I’m shaking, truly. Sign out before I unplug your mic.
LAYLA: Later, losers.
（Sound of papers shuffling）
JOSH: Okay, guys, moving onto your emails. We’re starting with Charlotte from Arkansas, who wants to know how to tell her boyfriend that she’s found his stash of dirty videos — and wants to watch them with him…
Buzz Tone Podcasts @Buzz_Tone_Media
Ever wondered what it would be like to date one of @ThreeSingleGuys? The guys are starting a dating experiment with one very lucky lady. Download the latest episode to find out more! ?
Rosie @R0zeanne92
I am frickin OBSESSED with @ThreeSingleGuys finally adding a girl to their show #girlpower #itsabouttime
Anita @Anni3Rhaman
Will someone please tell Zack that I am also very bad at dating and would LOVE to volunteer to be his girlfriend :）
Abby @Hot_Bi_Fiend
Is there a rule you have to be hot to be on this podcast?! I checked @HerTreatLayla’s profile, the girl is fiiiiire #girlcrush
Queen Dany @Dany_is_queen
I already ship Layla and Josh. Idk he just sounds happier when he’s talking to her #teamjosh
Zilly @ZackHard0nForever
Twenty bucks they all fall in love.
NINE
ZACK
“Relax,” I tell Josh for the fifth time. “She’s coming. You’re not getting stood up.”
Josh glares at me, tapping the side of his pint glass impatiently.
It’s been a day since our recording session with Layla. The episode only went live about half an hour ago, so I’m not sure how it’s being received — I’ve turned off my phone notifications so I can focus on the task at hand.