I rub my temples. “Sinsters is an adult toy company,” I explain. “And Zack is an idiot.”
“No I ain’t!” Zack says enthusiastically. “This shit is important.” He takes the box off her. “I didn’t know what toys you’ve already got, so I figured I should order you the full range. Never hurts to double up. Look.” He starts rummaging around in the box. “You got clamps. Cuffs. A bullet vibe. This one has a little rabbit head, apparently that feels real nice. A blindfold. A plug. Look, ain’t it pretty?” He pulls out a plug with a little jewelled heart on the end.
Layla stares at it. “What is it meant to plug?” She asks, her voice hoarse.
Zack looks shocked. “Your butt, honey. Oh my God. You never used one of these before?”
“I’ve never used any of this stuff before,” Layla says slowly. Her cheeks are pink. Gingerly, she reaches into the box and pulls out a string of silver metal balls, around the size of large marbles. “Do these go in my butt, too?”
Zack points at her. “I like your enthusiasm, but no. Wrong hole.”
Layla’s eyebrows fly into her hairline. “And that feels good?”
“I ain’t got the equipment to tell ya,” Zack says breezily. “Gotta assume so, though. It’ll make you feel nice and full. Hang on, there’s something I wanted to show you.” He keeps on rooting through the box, finally pulling out a plastic bottle. “Here ya go.”
Layla takes the bottle, examining the label on the side. “Juicy Pleasure Gel,” she reads aloud. “Heating, tingling, water-based lubricant. Zack!”
“What?” He puts up his hands. “It’s a learning material!” He points at the bottle. “For your homework assignment this week, I want you to get out one of your little notebooks and make a list of everything that turns you on. And when you’re done with that, I want you to light some candles, slather your fingers in some of that,” he pats the bottle, “and get yourself off.”
“Oh God,” I mutter.
Layla’s mouth falls open. “Excuse me?”
“You don’t have to show us the list, if you don’t want to,” Zack says happily. “But when you start dating, it’s very important that you know what you want out of the relationship. And that includes sexually.”
Layla doesn’t say anything, staring at him.
I rub my eyes. “Zack. Seriously.”
He cuts me off. “Look. You can handle the romance part. You do the bit where you give her roses and ask about her family. I’m not good at that. Sex is my thing.”
“You don’t even know if she needs help with sex!” I point out. I forgot how damn annoying Zack gets when he likes a girl.
He shrugs. “Only one way to find out.” He leans forward and takes Layla’s hand. “Pineapple chunk. How would you rate your sex life on a scale of one to ten?”
“Zack—” I start.
“One,” Layla says promptly.
That shuts me up. I turn to her. “Seriously?”
She shrugs, not meeting my eyes. Zack shakes his head woefully. “I knew it,” he says. “Good sex requires basic social skills, I’m afraid. Which our little gummy worm sadly lacks.” He squeezes her hand. “Don’t worry, honey. Zack Hard-on will fix it.”
“Why one out of ten?” I demand. “Does it hurt?”
Layla shakes her head. “No. It’s just… kind of boring. Wet and sticky and sweaty. I’d rather be doing pretty much anything else.”
“Wait.” Zack looks alarmed. “You don’t like shagging at all? That’s all I’m good at. What the Hell am I meant to help you with now?”
“I like it,” Layla says. “At least, in theory. But every time I’ve tried, it’s been very… underwhelming.”
“You don’t come,” I surmise.
“Never.”
“Alright, then,” Zack says, as the front door to the flat swings open. Luke steps inside, holding a plastic shopping bag, right as Zack loudly declares, “You want sex lessons, too? We can totally provide that.”
I close my eyes. Luke freezes in the doorway. “What?” He barks, looking around the room. “What the Hell is going on here?”
“Zack has become an unlicensed sex therapist,” I say flatly.
“Damn right I have,” Zack announces. “Don’t worry, L, we’re gonna get to the bottom of this. No fake girlfriend of mine is having a crappy bedroom life.” He leans forward. “First things first. Can you get yourself off?”