Kenji said he was staying neutral; he loved them both. Still, Jasper couldn’t shake the feeling that Kenji had been irretrievably lost to him. He didn’t know when it happened. Kenji belonged to Fiona now.
In the back seat of the cab, Jasper glanced over at Kenji dozing. He wondered if Kenji liked the chemo days with Fiona better than the ones with him. Did they laugh? Did she tell stories to entertain him while his body swallowed up all that medicine? A maddening thought: What if, after all this, Kenji and Fiona got together? One time at the gym, Jasper caught a glimpse of Kenji’s dick in the locker room—uncircumcised, and fucking huge.
The cab lurched to a stop in front of Kenji’s building. Upstairs, he helped get Kenji settled into the bed. Jasper checked the fridge: nothing but a Brita pitcher and bottles of vanilla-flavored Ensure. An old stick of butter in the door. He glanced back at Kenji’s sleeping figure before he slipped out quietly.
Jasper called Fiona from the sidewalk outside Kenji’s building. “I want to talk,” he said. He asked what time she’d be home tonight.
“About what?” she said. “Is Kenji okay?”
“About me and you.” Jasper paused. “The other night—”
Fiona sighed. She said she’d be home at six.
* * *
? ? ?
Fiona met Jasper at the apartment after work, as she promised. She asked how it went with Kenji’s gastroendoscopy this morning.
“Fine,” he said.
“I’ll go up there tomorrow,” she said. “I’m going to ask him if I can stay with him—”
“Fiona.” Jasper’s voice was shredded. “I want to work things out. You know that.”
“The lease ends after August,” she said. “I can probably be out before then.”
“What do I have to do? What do you want me to say?”
“You’re not listening to me.”
They sat on opposite ends of the futon. Fiona faced the giant TV screen, refusing to give Jasper her eyes.
“There’s nothing to work out,” she said. “We already talked about this.”
“Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it. Couples therapy. Anything.”
“Two months ago, we decided this was what needed to happen—”
“What about the other night?” he said. “You barely say two words to me for how long, then all of a sudden—”
“What happened to you?” Fiona examined her hands. Her voice was quiet. “You used to be different.”
“I said I’m sorry about— I made a mistake. I told you, it didn’t mean anything.”
“I don’t care about her,” Fiona said. “I don’t care what it did or didn’t mean to you. It doesn’t matter to me.” She stood and paced the room, because she couldn’t sit next to him any longer.
“I’m so confused.” Jasper’s eyes were wet. “I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t understand—I’m still me. I messed up. But I’m still the same—”
“I want this to end. I want to move out and be done with it,” she said. “I don’t know what the other morning was.” She hesitated. “It wasn’t . . . anything.”
“You’re lying,” he said.
She watched him cry, the whites of his eyes turning red. Fiona felt a bitter satisfaction at his suffering, and a tinge of pain for him. She felt embarrassed that she was enjoying this. She didn’t want to enjoy it. She didn’t want to be cruel. But the feeling was there, all the same.
“Don’t do this,” he said now. “Please, baby. Don’t give up on me—what we have—”
Fiona didn’t answer. She stood there with her arms crossed, as still as anything.
“The other morning,” he pleaded. “I know you felt something.”
Fiona shook her head.
“Look at me.” Jasper waited. “Please.” Fiona turned toward him and met his gaze. Over the back of the futon, he reached out for her hand.
“I used to think, there had to be nothing left, for me to leave.” Fiona stayed where she was, arms crossed. “And I thought there was nothing left between us. Only Kenji. Taking care of him. Making sure he’s going to be okay.”
“There’s a lot left—there’s us. Me and you.” Jasper let his arm hang down over the back of the futon.
“Not enough,” she said.
“Don’t say that,” he said. “That’s not true.”