It’s a joke. It has to be. And it’s not funny. I’ll find a way to punish Sean for this.
Standing at the door of the lobby and looking into the bay, I see it’s business as usual with the addition of several guests. My guys crowd around the pool table, cutting up, beers in hand as they pass a joint around. Sean watches Dominic take a shot at the table, refusing to look up. He knows I’m here. I’d changed after work and am dressed to impress in his favorite red sundress. My lips painted to match. I stand, a beacon waiting for some sort of acknowledgment as they chatter on and a few heads I don’t recognize turn my way. When the next song begins to play just as I step through the threshold, my fight for attention quickly shifts to my threatening nausea.
It’s then I know why Sean is keeping his eyes down. He doesn’t want to watch the dagger he’s slowly pushing into my chest.
“Cecilia” by Simon and Garfunkel begins to play as the door slams behind me, securing my place in the trap.
Every word of the song like a slap to the face.
This isn’t happening.
This isn’t happening.
But it is. The song, the lyrics, the out of place melody pierces me as my heart rages in my chest, continually slamming into the crumbling barrier, begging to be set free, for a destination anywhere but here. Tears burn my eyes as I watch the two men I came for blatantly ignore me, as more heads begin to turn my way.
Dominic is hunched over the table, taking his shot as Sean stands in the corner, his hands wrapped around his pool stick as Tyler whispers in his ear, his eyes on mine, a smile on his dimpled face. He doesn’t know.
But Sean does, and so does Dominic.
The rest of the party huddles around the kegs, oblivious to the fucking knife slicing through me. Dominic takes the shot, before finally, he looks directly at me, a smug smirk playing on his lips.
Lumps of betrayal clog my throat, choking me as that smirk brands me with the scarlet letter, turning all our dirty deeds against me.
Drowning in deceit, I sink further and further where I stand, fighting the bile climbing up my throat while drifting into the wave of despair.
Neck on fire, my heart screams for mercy, beat after painful beat against my chest as Sean finally lifts his eyes to look at me.
That’s when I break, utterly humiliated and completely taken aback by the second faces of the men I’ve fallen so in love with. Each lyric turns every beautiful moment we shared into one of my degradation.
I’ve been played.
I let them in.
I let them use me.
I convinced myself it was real.
That they cared.
I thought it was love.
But I was a game to them.
They set me up, lifted me as high as I could fly only to watch me fall.
I don’t realize I’m sobbing until I can no longer see them, but blurred versions of the men I gave my heart—my trust to—as black streaks my cheeks. And maybe it’s best that I don’t, so I can erase the old images with these new ones, replace the everything I felt with the nothing they’ve left me with.
They’d made me feel safe, accepted.
I loved them wholly.
I gave myself to them, and they let me…
One by one, heads slowly turn my way. And little by little, I realize I’ve gathered the attention of the entire garage. Face hot, sobs bursting from me. I slam my eyes shut, willing the moment away, hellfire in my heart, the damning, the branding, the judgment.
I can’t bring myself to open my eyes, to look up, to move. I can’t breathe through this betrayal, through the ache in my heart, through the pain searing through me.
I’m that girl. The girl I swore I would never be. The fool I promised myself I’d never be again.
But here I am, a goddamn fool.
No better than a hired whore.
Worse, I’d given my heart for nothing. To become nothing.
I played with fire, and now I’m singed beyond recognition.
Opening my eyes, I know only seconds have passed while I scan the faces of those laying witness to my end. In them I see nothing but confusion and pity, especially from Tyler whose eyes volley between us.
Sean takes a step toward me, and Dominic slams a hand to his chest, his lips pulling up, his eyes dancing with amusement.
I was their toy, and now I’m no longer worthy of their time and attention.
Disgust fills me as I fixate on Dominic, remembering the words he said to me days ago, the way he touched me beneath the stars. Worse than that, Sean had been just as convincing, maybe even more so. Images flit through my mind of our beginning, our kisses, our shared laughter, waking up in his arms, our conversations.