“Of course they are.” She rolled her eyes. Lilah always had a knack for animals even back on my mother’s family farm back home. “They just need love.”
I hummed and took my time mulling over her question. To Lilah and her brothers and our whole town, I was someone very different. I’d always been reliable, always been sweet instead of vicious, and I always did the right thing when it came to her and that town. My mother made sure of it. She used to tell me a mixed little boy running around the suburbs was bound to run into trouble if he didn’t act right and that an Armanelli man was just a walking, talking target without his family beside him.
So we’d hid my name and I’d channeled anything bad in me into the military and mob.
There were only a few men in the military who could get answers the way I got them, and there was only one guy like me as an Armanelli. I was trained in torture, in extracting answers, and I did it with finesse. That took control, patience, and restraint.
I tried to have those traits in every life I lived now, but Delilah was seeing my work and my personal life get all jumbled together in a way I didn’t want it to. She was seeing me lose control and restraint with her time and time again.
“I’m not tired of who I am. I’m proud most of the time. Normally, I enjoy the work I do. It’s for the people I care about.”
“The Armanellis?”
“They’re my family, yes. They take care of most of this country, Lilah. It’s not all bad. What we do is the lesser of two evils.” I waited a beat. “And it’s difficult, dangerous, and takes a shit ton of training. I meditate, I work out, and I keep my mind clear most of the time to make sure I don’t mess up.”
She nodded and let the cat curl up on her lap as she continued to pet it. “I hope you know I’m still as proud of you now as I was when you told us you were going into the military.”
I knocked my shoulder with hers. “And I’m still as proud of you for being a nurse and getting through college. Maybe prouder now I know what you went through alone.”
She rolled her lips between her teeth and nodded. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“Don’t be sorry, Lilah. Just be sure it never happens again.”
She blinked once, then twice, then whipped her head toward me with wide eyes. “Of course it won’t happen again. I’m not … We’re not doing that again.”
I smiled at her and grabbed her hand to take her to the next place I wanted to show her.
Our day was filled with all the things she’d wanted to do but hadn’t yet. I took her picture under colorful hanging umbrellas down the Calle de la Fortaleza, got her gelato, and fed her until her stomach was full.
My lamb was happy, bright-eyed, and bushy-tailed for all the world to see.
It was a perfect day between friends.
Or lovers.
I don’t think either of us knew which.
19
Water Play
Delilah
It was our third day of exploring the city. We’d eaten gelato again, played a bit of soccer with the locals, and fallen into this weird friendship.
It’d been days of him stopping by to see if I needed food or wanted to work out. I always answered no to that one. Then, he would offer a massage after I got home from work and we’d plan the next day to explore. Maybe this was healing, because I couldn’t stop smiling or laughing or floating, quite frankly, around the whole island.
I had talked with my mom that very morning, and she told me I sounded happier than she’d heard in a long time. Sure, I kept out the part about me sleeping with Dante, but I told her it was nice to have a friend to explore the island with.
Friend.
It still tasted a little sour in my mouth, but I would fake it ‘til I made it.
And he’d been great. He even had me take out my list and add things to it that I’d read about. I wanted to see the fort. We went. I wanted to eat more gelato, so we did. I wanted to get drunk on mojitos at the bar. He rolled his eyes at that one and said he’d think about it.
My list was helping me heal.
Helping me be happy.
Or maybe helping me fall in love.
The man I laid down with on the grass after going through San Juan’s fort was the guy I was supposed to be getting over. He was the one I couldn’t lose again, not after what I went through with the miscarriage. I knew it, and still each day, I went exploring with him. It wasn’t something that I’d forgotten. It was just something I avoided.
I had him as a friend now.
That would be good enough.