Ella tilted her head in disbelief. He was serious, and she looked at his wavy hair, parted in the middle, his beautiful eyes, and the upward curve of his lips. She loved him, too. There was no one else she liked more than David. She swayed her head slowly from side to side.
“But is it any less wrong now? Your words, I mean, your feelings. David, you’re nearly married, and I got your wedding invitation only last week. Maybe you’re getting cold feet . .” She couldn’t imagine being a party to hurting another person the way Ted had hurt her with Delia.
“I’m not getting cold feet. That’s not it. I’m going to tell her right away. Even if you don’t. . . don’t feel the same way.” David studied her eyes as best he could, but he couldn’t read them properly. Did she love him, too? Ella wasn’t a donor for the school or an old friend of his—he could read most people instinctively. It was different when you were attracted to someone; the reading came out fuzzy. All he could feel in the moment was his wish—his wish for her to love him—and this wish was clouding his perception. But he felt certain about Colleen.
“I can’t marry her. One person shouldn’t serve as a substitute for another.”
Ella paused for breath. How was it possible to digest the sheer number of things that could happen in a day—the cruelty of Ted, the hardness of her lawyer, the need she felt for her daughter, the love of David. The love of David. How was that possible? No one had ever spoken to her so plainly about his feelings except for Ted. And she had believed him. There had never been anyone else except Ted. The idea of dating （Casey had mentioned it already a few times） had sounded ludicrous. And sex （Casey had mentioned that, too） seemed impossible. There was also the herpes. She hadn’t had an outbreak in almost a year, but still. Herpes wasn’t curable. If she had the virus, she could shed it when she had symptoms: That’s what the doctor had said. How could she explain that to someone? How could she explain that to David? Why would anyone want to touch her?
“I don’t know how I feel . .”
“Of course.” David couldn’t hide his disappointment. “I picked the dumbest time to say such a thing.”
“No, no, David. That’s not what I meant. I’ve struggled with these feelings for you, too.”
His eyes lit up.
“I thought what I felt was admiration. You know? And I wouldn’t have admitted having a crush on you or anything like that because a woman who’s married shouldn’t. . . I mean. . . you’re not supposed to feel anything like that, right? And—”
She couldn’t tell him that she felt like a diseased person. She had a permanent sexually transmitted condition. If David had told her that he had herpes and she didn’t, she wouldn’t have cared. She would have understood, gotten through it. But she couldn’t imagine him understanding. How could he? Ted once told her that deep down, all men wanted virgins.
“I’m not helping. I’m sorry,” David said, thinking that he shouldn’t have mixed her up about his feelings when she was going through this tough period.
“No, David, you’re my dearest friend. I see that now. And thank you for saying what you did. It means. . . so much.” Ella had stopped crying. She felt pulled into the stare of his enormous eyes, fringed with light brown lashes. He looked afraid. She’d never thought much of blue eyes, and Ted had said it was self-hating for a Korean person to admire blue eyes; but when Ella had pressed Casey for details about Delia, Casey had told her that Delia’s eyes were blue. Why had she always believed so much of what Ted had said? Why can’t something beautiful be just that? she wanted to say to him now. Not all blue eyes were beautiful, but David’s were extraordinary. She wanted to kiss his eyelids—the silvery skin, the thin blue veins stretching beneath them like the roots of a tree.
“Close your eyes,” she said to him.
David closed them, and Ella reached over to kiss his eyelids as she had just imagined doing. His eyes remained closed. The kisses had touched him like a blessing, like he had been loved, that he had been cured.
Ella covered her mouth with her hands. “Oh, my God, what did I just do?” She felt as though she’d woken up from a spell. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I mean, I do. I wanted to—”
David opened his eyes. He had kept them closed to savor the tingling sensation.
He smiled at her. “I should go,” he said. If he stayed, he felt certain that he’d try to make love to her, and that wasn’t what he should do. It would ruin everything that he wanted with her. He would wait.