“Oh, sorry,” I said, looking around Jonathan’s living room, wondering how long he’d been standing there. But nothing else came— no answers for Jonathan. Inside my mind there was just a screaming blank. So I said the only thing I could think of, my go-to answer for everything: “I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
God, I was so fucking sick of being sorry.
Crystal danced into the room then, gone and back from wherever she’d been— she had a bag of chips in one hand, a beer in the other, red baseball hat on.
Jonathan was staring at her. “Wait, where did you get that hat?”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Crystal said, taking it off her head and holding it out to him. “I was just messing around. It was in your kitchen.”
“An Ace Construction hat was in my kitchen?” Jonathan asked, stepping closer but not reaching out for it. “Where?”
“Right on the counter,” Crystal said nervously. “I’m sorry. You want to wear it?”
“No, no,” Jonathan said, forcing a smile. “That’s okay— I just didn’t see it in there before.”
I looked across the room to Finch. He was on the couch now, eyes black and bottomless as he stared at me. I felt an uncomfortable twitch in my spine. Why was Finch looking at me like he wanted me dead?
“Truth or dare!” he called out suddenly, eyes still locked on mine.
“Yeah, I don’t think so,” Jonathan said immediately. “Collective hard pass.”
“Oh, wow,” Maeve said. “I’m sorry, but that does sound very unwise.”
“Idiotic,” Derrick added, already headed for the staircase. “I think we should all go to bed.”
“On the other hand,” Stephanie called after Derrick, “a game would at least keep everyone down here and, you know, otherwise occupied.”
She was talking about me— I did have occasional moments of clarity. And Stephanie was right that Crystal and I couldn’t get down to using until we were alone.
“I think a game sounds fun,” Crystal said, taking a sip of her beer as she sat down on the couch opposite Keith.
Jonathan closed his eyes and dropped his head. “Right, occupied.”
Maeve’s eyes got wide. “Okay, right, let’s do it.”
“So that’s a yes from Keith and Stephanie and Maeve,” Finch called.
“That wasn’t a yes from me,” I said.
“You don’t have to actually say yes, Keith,” Finch said, looking at me again with those black eyes. “Your answer is always yes where I’m concerned. Derrick, I know you’re in, too. Because you’d never let me down, right?”
Derrick’s shoulders sagged as he shook his head and backed away from the stairs.
“Truth or dare, Maeve?” Finch asked.
Stephanie laughed, but in a way that sounded like she was being strangled. “God, we’re not seriously doing this, are we?”
Jonathan turned. “You were the one who said we should, remember?”
“I know. I know I did. In a universe of fucked-up options . . .”
“Um,” Maeve answered finally. “Truth?”
“Great— so what’s this secret you all have from college?” Finch motioned to me and Derrick, like one of us had told him. No, not me. I hadn’t told him anything.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Maeve said.
“Come on, the secret,” Finch said. “I know something happened. It’s got a hold on all of you.”
“Our friend Alice killed herself,” Jonathan said.
“No, not that,” Finch said. “That’s not a secret. This is something only all of you know about. Or that you hope only all of you know about.”
He pointed at each one of us in turn. The vise around my head clicked tighter, sending sparks of pain shooting across my scalp. I looked around at everyone. I didn’t tell him about the roof. They needed to know that. Because Finch was making it seem like I had. And I was afraid people would start adding on, thinking he already knew.
“Oh my God, what is the secret?” Crystal asked like it was a fucking Christmas gift.
“We don’t know what you’re talking about, Finch. There’s no secret,” Derrick said. “Move on.”
Finch stared at Derrick. “You all know exactly what I’m talking about. But, okay, I’ll move on to you, Derrick. Truth or dare?”
“Wait, you can’t go twice in a row!” Crystal cried, flapping a hand in Finch’s direction. “That’s against the rules.”