My jaw snapped shut so quickly and tightly, I was surprised I didn’t crack a molar.
“Or more inappropriate than the night of the Rite, when you let me—”
“Shut up,” I hissed.
“I’m not done yet,” he said, his chest pressing against my back. “What about sneaking off to fight the Craven on the Rise? Or that diary—？”
“I get your point, Hawke. Can you stop talking now?”
“You’re the one who started this.”
“Actually, no, I did not.”
“What?” A low laugh left him. “You said, and I quote, ‘this is wildly, grossly, irrefutably…’”
“Did you just learn what an adverb is today? Because that is not what I said.”
Hawke sighed. “Sorry.”
He didn’t sound sorry about it at all.
“I didn’t realize we were back to pretending we hadn’t done all those other inappropriate things,” he said. “Not that I’m surprised. After all, you’re a pure, untainted, and untouched Maiden. The Chosen.”
Oh, my gods…
“Who’s saving herself for a Royal husband. Who, by the way, will not be pure, untainted or untouched—”
I moved to jab him with my elbow, but forgot I was currently wrapped in one blanket and draped with another. All I managed to do was uncover the front of my body, revealing it to the cold air.
Hawke laughed.
“I hate you.” I scrambled to fold myself back up into my blanket cocoon.
“See, that’s the problem. You don’t hate me.”
I had no response to that.
“You know what I think?”
“No. And I don’t want to know.”
He ignored that. “You like me.”
My brows knitted together as I stared out over the small clearing.
“Enough to be wildly inappropriate with me.” A pause. “On multiple occasions.”
“Good gods, I’d rather freeze to death at this point.”
“Oh, right. We’re pretending none of that happened. I keep forgetting.”
“Just because I don’t bring it up every five minutes doesn’t mean I’m pretending it didn’t happen.”
“But bringing it up every five minutes is so much fun.”
The corners of my lips tipped up as I lifted the edges of the blanket above my chin. “I’m not pretending none of that stuff happened,” I admitted in a low voice. “It’s just that…”
“That it shouldn’t have happened?”
I didn’t want to say that. I felt like once I did, I couldn’t take it back. “It’s just that I’m not supposed to…do any of that. You know that. I am the Maiden.”
Hawke was quiet for several moments. “And how do you really feel about that, Poppy?”
After several false starts when I tried to answer him, I closed my eyes and just answered truthfully. “I don’t want it. I don’t want to be given to the gods and then, after that, if there is an after part, I don’t want to be married off to someone I’ve never met, who will probably…”
“Probably what?” His voice was quiet, soothing even.
I swallowed hard. “Who will probably be…” I sighed. “You know how Royals are. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and flaws, well, they are unacceptable.” Warmth finally crept into my cheeks. The words tasted like ash. “If I end up as an Ascended, I’m sure whoever the Queen pairs me with will be the same.”
Hawke didn’t say anything for a long moment, and I was so grateful, I almost rolled around and hugged him. Nothing he could’ve said would’ve made what I said any less humiliating to admit.
“Duke Teerman was a cunt,” he said. “And I’m glad he’s dead.”
A shocked laugh burst from me, loud enough that I saw the pacing guard stop. “Oh, gods, that was loud.”
“It’s okay.” He sounded as if he smiled.
Grinning into the blanket, I said, “He was definitely that, but it’s…even if I didn’t have these scars, I wouldn’t be excited. I don’t understand how Ian did it. He barely even knew his wife, and I…I don’t think he’s happy. He never speaks about her, and that’s sad, because our parents loved each other. He should have that.”
I should have that, Maiden or not.
“I heard that your mother refused to Ascend.”
“It’s true. My father was a firstborn son. He was wealthy, but he wasn’t chosen,” I said. “Mom was a Lady in Wait when they met. It was accidental. His father—my grandfather—was close to King Jalara. My father went to the castle with him once, and that’s when he saw my mother. Supposedly, it was love at first sight.” My smile faded. “I know that sounds silly, but I believe it. It happens—at least for some.”