“That’s how the rumors got started. You’re doing it to help the cursed.”
“And their families sometimes. They often feel such sorrow that I have to.”
“But you’re not allowed.”
“No, and it seems so stupid that I can’t.” I threw up my hands. “That I’m not supposed to. The reason doesn’t even make sense. Wouldn’t the gods have already found me worthy to have given me this gift?” I reasoned.
“One would think so.” He paused. “Can your brother do this? Anyone else in your family?”
“No. It’s only me, and the last Maiden. We were both born in a shroud,” I told him. “And my mother realized what I could do around the age of three or four.”
He frowned and went back to staring at me like I was a puzzle missing pieces.
“What?”
Shaking his head, his expression smoothed out. “Are you reading me now?”
“No. I seriously try not to, even when I really want to. Doing so feels like cheating when it’s someone I…” I trailed off. I was going to say: “when it’s someone I care about.”
My stomach twisted as my wide-eyed gaze swung back to him. I cared about Hawke. A lot. Not in the same way I cared about Tawny or Vikter, though. It was different.
Oh, gods.
That probably wasn’t a good thing, but it didn’t feel bad. It felt like anticipation and hope, excitement and a hundred other things that weren’t bad.
“Now, I wish I had your gift because I would love to know what you’re feeling at this moment.”
I couldn’t be grateful that he didn’t know. “I feel nothing from the Ascended,” I blurted out. “Absolutely nothing, even though I know they feel physical pain.”
“That’s…”
“Weird, right?”
“I was going to say disturbing, but sure, it’s weird.”
“You know?” I leaned in, lowering my voice. “It always bothered me that I couldn’t feel anything. It should be a relief, but it never was. It just made me feel…cold.”
“I can see that.” He inched forward, lowering his voice, too. “I should thank you.”
“For what?”
“For easing my pain.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I know, but I want to,” he said, his mouth so incredibly close to mine. “Thank you.”
“It’s nothing.” My eyes drifted halfway shut. He smelled like pine and soap, and his breath was so warm on my lips.
“I was right.”
“About what?”
“About you being brave and strong,” he explained. “You risk a lot when you use your gift.”
“I don’t think I’ve risked enough,” I admitted. “I couldn’t help Vikter. I was too…overwhelmed. Maybe if I wasn’t fighting it so much, I would’ve at least taken his pain.”
“But you took Airrick’s. You helped him.” He dipped his head, and his brow kissed mine. “You are utterly nothing like I expected.”
“You keep saying that. What did you expect?”
“I honestly don’t know anymore.”
My eyes closed, discovering that I liked this closeness. I liked being…touched when it was my choice.
“Poppy?”
I also liked the way he said my name. “Yes?”
He touched my cheek with his fingers. “I hope you realize that no matter what anyone has ever told you, you are more worthy than anyone I’ve ever met.”
My heart squeezed in the best way. “You haven’t met enough people, then.”
“I have met too many.” He lifted his chin, kissing my forehead. He leaned back, sliding his thumb along my jaw. “You deserve so much more than what awaits you.”
I should.
My eyes opened.
I really should.
I wasn’t a bad person. Under the veil and behind my title and my gift, I was like anyone else. But I was never treated as such. As Hawke had pointed out before, every privilege everyone else had was something I couldn’t even earn. And I was…
I was so damn tired of it.
Hawke drew back, his voice heavy as he said, “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
Unable to answer, I was too caught up in what was happening within me because something was shifting, changing. Something enormous and yet also small. My heart started pumping as if I’d just been fighting for my life, and…dear gods, that’s what I was doing. Right now. Fighting not for my life but to be able to live it. That was what was clicking into place inside me.