Still, my chest feels tight when I put my number into her phone. It doesn’t loosen when Booker and I wave Zoe and Deiss off into the night, where the two of them will eat dinner, and reminisce on their night together in South Africa, and likely opt to relive the experience. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve apologized to Deiss, worked through whatever weirdness was happening in my mind, finished a project, and potentially opened a door to future work. I should be elated.
“That’s a fire bunny right there,” Booker says, still staring at the door like the ghost of Zoe’s ass has lingered in her wake.
I close my eyes and shake my head before giving in to curiosity. “A what?”
“Hot,” he says, like he’s speaking to child. “Zoe is hot.”
“Yeah,” I say, abandoning my perfect posture to slump against the counter. “She really is.”
“And lucky for you,” he says.
“Mmm,” I murmur noncommittally.
“I mean, talk about great timing. Deiss happens to hook up with a successful graphic designer right when you’re trying to start a new career in that field.”
I nod, knowing that Booker has no idea how right he is about the timing. If our friendship, and the pact, and Deiss’s general lack of interest in me weren’t enough to keep me in line, surely the risk of alienating a potential work partner will be.
“You’re right,” I sigh. “The timing is perfect.”
THEN
Maybe it was foolish, but I’d somehow convinced myself Chad Russel and I were going to get married. Choosing to spend your entire senior year together meant something, didn’t it? It was a time of looking forward, planning the rest of your life. We’d spent hours talking about our future careers, what city we wanted to live in. I just assumed we were making decisions. Together. Clearly, I’d assumed wrong.
I was upset, not because I truly loved him but because if felt like my fault.
“You don’t have time for me,” Chad said, standing up from the table where I’d spent a considerable amount of said time waiting for him to show up. His button-up hung stiffly on his lanky frame, like he’d taken the time to iron it to honor the seriousness of his pronouncement. “All you ever want to do is hang out with your friends.”
I considered pointing out that, between his studying and his internship at the accounting agency, he was only available on Sundays anyway, but I bit my tongue. I had blown him off the last two Sundays, first to cheer on Simone at her powder-puff football game and then to celebrate Mac’s birthday. They’d been important events. Much more important than going out to eat so Chad could whine about his internship over an endless basket of bread.
I didn’t actually feel hurt until later that afternoon when I spotted him on the Ferris wheel with Lainey Massey, his long-standing “study partner.” By the looks of things, they’d transitioned from math to biology a while ago. His hand was up her shirt, and I could see his tongue from the ground. It clearly wasn’t a first kiss. He’d been cheating on me, and now he was ready to let everyone see it.
I didn’t let myself cry, but I felt my entire body stiffen up, my expression carved entirely of marble. My insides shriveled, and a whooshing sound roared between my ears, drowning out the din of the boardwalk. The late-afternoon sun turned cold, the crashing waves ominous instead of dancing. I’d thought I’d understood how my mom felt, but it was much worse to experience it myself. Chad had seemed to need so little, yet I still hadn’t been enough.
It was Phoebe who spotted them first. We were waiting in line for the Ferris wheel, after all. It’s not like she could’ve missed them. She whipped toward me, her eyes wide. I faked a smile.
“Um,” Simone said, spotting him next. “Isn’t that your boyfriend?”
I couldn’t look again. “No. We broke up this afternoon.”
Deiss looked at me, but if he was surprised that I hadn’t told anyone, he chose to keep his mouth shut. Mac wasn’t as discreet.
“Awesome,” he said, picking me up and twirling me around. My legs slammed into a stranger unfortunate enough to be passing by. “I hated that guy.”
“You did?” I gasped out with the small amount of air his bear hug had left in my lungs.
“We all did,” Phoebe said. “He was the human equivalent of a lecture on dust particles.”
“So boring,” Simone agreed.
“Lainey doesn’t seem to think so.” My words slipped out, pathetic and embarrassing.