3. He’s a hick. Look, I’m sure Gabe Parker is a perfectly nice person. He might even be somewhat intelligent. But we all know that his on-screen （and in-interview） persona is the polar opposite of what we expect from our Bond. The man with the martini needs to be sophistication personified. He shouldn’t be played by someone whose most famous talk show moment involved him playing beer pong with another guest. And winning.
4. He’s already sleeping with his co-star. They haven’t confirmed it, but anyone who saw those pictures of him and Jacinda Lockwood in Paris can tell that they are definitely knocking boots. But, Ross, you might say, doesn’t that speak to why he would be a good Bond? He’s already proven he can get the girl. Yes, exactly, I would say to you. Where’s the excitement, then? The chase? The anticipation? It just seems like Gabe Parker is a bro who can’t keep his dick in his pants. Plus, it’s just another sign that Parker is forever getting his co-star’s sloppy seconds.
Side Note: Is anyone surprised that Lockwood dumped Matthias for Parker? The Black British-born model has gotten quite the reputation for doing whatever it takes to get her movie career off the ground.
5. He’s too soft. I’m not talking about his body—we’ve all seen the shirtless pics from Cold Creek Mountain, a beefcake photo shoot parading as a serious movie—but there’s something undeniably tender about him. And Bond is NOT tender. He’s tough. Maybe it’s all Parker’s experience in the theatre, particularly his leading role in Angels in America. You all know what I’m saying.
Chapter
2
I drove us to the restaurant. Another interviewer might have been able to use the extra time in a small space to her advantage, but being a generally nervous driver and having a huge movie star and his new puppy in my passenger seat kept me focused on the road. Instead, it gave Gabe the opportunity to pepper me with questions, which he did almost nonstop. As if I was the subject and he was the interviewer.
“You’re from L.A., right? Like, Hollywood Hollywood? Wow. It must have been cool growing up here.”
“I guess?” I hated that I couldn’t stop responding in a questioning tone. “I mean, it felt normal to me when it was happening.”
“Crazy.” He drummed his fingers across the top of the glove compartment.
There was a slight manic quality to him that seemed more noticeable in the car—like he was literally overflowing with excess energy.
“And you’ve lived here your whole life, right?”
I nodded, white-knuckling my way down the narrow Do?as, praying that we didn’t encounter another car needing to go the opposite way.
He rolled down the window, which seemed to temper his eagerness but did little to help calm me. Now all I could think about was the possibility that his dog, who was now standing on his lap, paws on the armrest, nose twitching in the breeze, might leap out of my moving car and then I’d be the person who killed Gabe Parker’s puppy.
“It’s nice here in the winter,” he said. “I’m usually in Montana with my family around this time, or filming somewhere else. But you probably get bored of all the sunshine, right? I always miss seasons when I’m here. Fall. Spring. Do you miss seasons?”
“Sort of,” I said. “I’m used to it, I guess.”
He nodded, his whole upper body rocking forward with him.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense,” he said. “Have you ever been to Montana?”
“No,” I said. “But I’ve heard it’s beautiful.”
“Beautiful? Naw. It’s stunning. Unlike anywhere else,” he said. “We’ll have to get you out there sometime.”
I nodded, as if that was something that might actually happen.
The pub was nice, with brick-lined walls and naked lightbulbs jutting out above each booth. Gabe led me past the bar and out to the back, where there was a table waiting for us and a little bowl of water for the puppy.
“You must love it here,” he said.
I looked around. “I’ve never been here before,” I said.
“Not here.” He tapped the table. “Here.” He gestured broadly. “L.A. You must love it if you came back after college.”
“I do,” I said.
“It’s not what I expected,” he said.
I stiffened.
“Yeah, well, a lot of people think L.A. is just Hollywood. That it’s this vapid, superficial town full of vapid, superficial people, but it’s really so much more. People say there’s no culture in L.A., but we’ve got culture coming out of our ass—and all kinds of culture. There’s Chinatown, and Little Armenia, and Little Ethiopia, and Alvarado Street. We’ve got amazing museums and gardens and parks. It’s beautiful here. Sometimes, in the morning, the mountains are pink and gold, like these perfect cutouts against the sky. There’s tons of history here—not just Hollywood, but there’s architecture and art and music. It’s a great place to grow up. A great place to live. And you can’t beat the tacos.”