After my first book came out, I was invited to appear on Good Morning Today. My first TV appearance, and I’d been excited and nervous. Jeremy hadn’t been able to come, but Katie had been my plus-one in the greenroom and she’d helped calm me down before I went on. I’d worn a blue-patterned dress that another writer friend assured me would look good on TV. I’d had someone do my hair and makeup.
It was going to be a short segment—a chance for me to talk about the collection—and my agent was excited for the exposure.
I hadn’t been prepared for how bright and alienating the set had felt. I was grateful that I hadn’t had to walk out on camera, that I was seated during their commercial break and mic’ed up. It had felt as if Carol Champion—the host—and I were on a little, isolated island in the middle of blinding lights.
All I could see was Carol, and I focused on her like she was the life raft I was swimming toward.
It started out fine. Carol asked about the book and I was able to string together several coherent sentences. I’d even made her laugh. Then, with a conspiratorial smile, she had leaned toward me.
“We obviously have to talk about the article,” she’d said.
It had felt like my own smile was bolted to my face.
“Obviously,” I’d said.
I’d been prepared for it. I was always prepared for it.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the way Carol sat back and looked directly over my shoulder at the camera.
“You all know the article I’m talking about,” she’d said before giving a big, broad wink. “The one that made Gabe Parker a household name.”
“Well, I’m sure he didn’t need my help with—”
“Have you seen him since the article?” Carol asked.
My hands had gone cold.
“No.”
“Really?” Carol’s face had been a contortion of faux surprise. “You haven’t kept in touch?”
“It was just one interview.” I’d tried to redirect the conversation. “There are several others in the book—”
“What would you say to him if you saw him?” Carol asked. “If he walked out onto this stage right now?”
I don’t even remember what I said. I just know that my brain panicked, like it had been dropped into quicksand and was flailing and only sinking deeper. The thought of Gabe coming out—of the two of us meeting again this way—had caused every part of me to shut off, like a computer booting down.
But Gabe hadn’t been there, and I think Carol apologized for the “harmless prank,” as she called it afterward. Katie said that I had pulled it off fine, but I was pretty sure my impression of a deer in headlights had just added further fuel to the ever-burning rumors that something salacious had happened that weekend and I was just being coy.
Ten years ago, at lunch, I’d thought about fame. About how I wanted it.
I’d been so stupid then. I hadn’t realized that wishing for fame was the ultimate monkey paw of wishes. You’d never see the cost until it had already been paid. Until it couldn’t be undone.
It wasn’t as if I was famous, but I was known.
And it was clear very early on that the only reason for that was because people wanted to know about that evening. They didn’t want to know about my writing, or my ideas, or literally anything else about me. They wanted to know if I had fucked Gabe Parker at his house one night in December.
My parents had even asked.
“Should we expect him for Shabbat dinner?” had been my mother’s way of inquiring.
“Does he even know what Shabbat is?” was my father’s.
I had laughed it off the way I laughed off all the other questions. I waited for people to stop caring. I had done my best to rise above it and now I was letting myself get sucked right back in.
I should have said no.
I should say no now.
“I can send him away,” Katie says. “I’d be happy to—hell, I’d even put it on my résumé.” She spreads her hands wide. “Los Angeles–area woman sends Gabe Parker—alone—to Montana without a care.”
“It’s unprofessional,” I say.
“That’s not really what you’re worried about,” she says.
I hate how she’s always right.
“This whole thing is ridiculous,” I say. “What am I hoping will happen? I’m not a starstruck twenty-six-year-old kid anymore.”
“That’s true,” Katie says. “You’ve both changed. You’ve both grown up.”