“Sorry, Miss Auren,” he says, his eyes flicking down to where my hand is holding my throat. I quickly drop it as he clears his throat. “Digby called a halt. The leads saw some disturbance in the snow, so he’s sent out some scouts.”
“What kind of disturbance?”
“Not sure yet.”
I move to get out, but Sail doesn’t step aside and instead gives me a sheepish look. “Digby wants you to stay in the carriage.”
I’m sure he does, but I can’t bear being stuck in here. That trapped feeling…
The second I stepped foot outside of the Highbell Castle, something changed. Like a plug pulled out of its drain, a decade’s worth of water, water that’s engulfed me completely, began to lower. Gone was the strain of holding my head above it. There was no sucking in breaths, counting them, reminding myself I had air, that the crushing flood wouldn’t suffocate me as I treaded water.
I can’t go back to that. Mentally, emotionally, even physically, the thought makes beaded sweat begin to gather against my skin, and I know, I just know that I can’t bear it.
Which is why, even though I’ve been ordered to remain, even though there might be danger outside, I can’t stay in here. It’s too cooped up, too reminiscent of that perpetual fight to float instead of sink.
So I shove past Sail and jump out into the dark.
Chapter Twenty-Two
My boots land nimbly on the snow as I jump down from the carriage. Sail gives a soft curse behind me, but he doesn’t argue, doesn’t try to get me to go back. I like that about him.
“Where are the other guards?”
He points. “Up ahead on the hill where they can get a better vantage point.”
I nod swiftly as we make our way through the snow. As we pass by the saddles’ carriages, women’s heads pop out the windows, straining to see what’s going on. The drivers wait steadfastly on their benches, keeping the horses from becoming too anxious as their hooves paw at the snow.
Rissa is one of the women leaning out, but she surprises me when she calls my name. She hasn’t spoken a word to me since I saw her in the throne room that night, when King Fulke demanded our attention. “What’s going on?”
“I’m not sure yet,” I tell her honestly.
Her blue eyes flicker around the dark landscape, though their lanterns bloom light from inside the carriage.
“If you find anything out, let us know.” She pulls her head back inside without waiting for my reply, conversation between Rosh and Polly immediately striking up in quiet murmurs.
I blink at the window for a moment before moving on. I don’t know whether to be glad that Rissa was willing to talk to me or offended at her brashness.
Sail looks over at me and smirks, though he says nothing. “What?” I ask.
He gives an easy shrug. “Nothing. I’m surprised you didn’t ask for a book, is all.”
I frown. “A book?”
“Yeah, to chuck at her head.” Sail barks a laugh at his words, and my mouth pops open before a grudging, embarrassed laugh escapes me. “I was trying to help her!”
Sail laughs so hard that he loses his breath. “Remind me not to ever ask for your help, Miss Auren.”
My lips pull up into a smile from his teasing. “Ass.”
“It’s my favorite story of yours.”
I groan and wipe a hand down my face. “You guards are a gossipy bunch. Does everyone know?”
Sail grins. “Yep.”
I shake my head. “Great Divine.”
His chuckle tapers off. “Don’t be embarrassed. I like that story.”
I give him a glare, but he holds up his hands. “Not just for the reasons you think,” he explains. “To be honest, I wasn’t sure I wanted this position—to help escort you to Fifth Kingdom. Sure, back at home, I was just on outside wall watch. Boring as hell and cold enough to freeze your ba—er, I mean, to freeze,” he corrects with an embarrassed grin shot my way.
“You can say balls, you know,” I tease. “You don’t have to be careful or censure yourself. I’m just a saddle, after all.”
But Sail shakes his head. “You’re definitely more than just that, my lady. And you should make sure people treat you as such.”
Sail’s words startle me, my smile slipping off as the conviction of his words put something serious between us. Something heavier than the lightness we usually keep.
“As I was saying,” he goes on, filling the awkward silence. “I wasn’t sure I wanted this placement, even though it was going to be a huge advancement for my rank. But then, this lot that Digby chose, we started talking. Trading stories. And that was when I heard about you tossing that book at poor Miss Rissa’s face.” He shakes his head with a snicker. “Some of them thought you were just being a…”