“Fuck.” My whisper is sharp and galled, mind furious with the incapabilities of my body.
“It’s fine, Gildy. We all fall,” Judd says, and somehow, his amicable optimism just makes it worse.
“It’s not alright,” I snap. “I can’t be ready if I can’t even do a fucking stance.”
“Auren.”
My head snaps up at Slade’s voice, and I see him standing just at the entrance of the fissure. Shame crawls up my limbs, and my heart drops at the sight of him. Looking away, I push up to my feet, but even doing that makes me stumble slightly to the right. I’m disoriented. Off-balance. Feeling weak and wobbly like a newborn foal.
I hate it.
Slade’s footsteps crunch over the hay as he comes near until he’s standing right in front of me. “I thought you were going to take it easy until Hojat gave you the go-ahead for more?” he asks, question posed to Judd.
“We are…” Judd’s words trip to a stop.
“He’s not having me do anything difficult,” I admit, my jaw tight with frustration. “I just can’t do it.”
The admittance falls from my lips with disgust. I tear a hand through my hair, fingers getting tangled in the gold strands that fell out of my braid. “This is my first session, and I’m already failing. How pathetic is that?”
“It’s not pathetic.”
I let out an ugly laugh, yanked from the center of my chest. “I can’t even stand,” I spit out, but my tone isn’t directed at him or Judd, it’s directed at me. “Because I keep losing my balance. Because I let him…I let him…”
My words choke off. Strangled, like a fist around my throat.
I let him.
For ten Divine-damned years, I let him.
Let him silence me. Let him lead me. Let him fool me. Let him cage me. Let him hurt me.
I let him drug me and hold me against that cold wall, let him take another part of me that I’ll never get back.
Understanding dawns in Slade’s eyes like mist on a shadowed field. “Your ribbons.”
The two of them trade a look, and I know what’s on their expressions, because it’s on mine too. The recognition of exactly what I lost.
I never noticed before how much my body relied on my ribbons. I have to learn all over again without the comfort of their presence.
But it’s not just that.
The weight of them is gone, yes, but they were more than just satiny strips that hung from my back. I miss the way they trailed behind me. I miss being able to lift them to help me comb my hair or wrap around my waist like a layer of armor. I miss the way they snaked around Slade’s leg.
They caught me. Defended me. They were my instincts. My unconscious impulse and sentiment. They made me more. And without them. I’m less. Less steady, less sure, less free.
You never notice what’s keeping you balanced until you realize you’re not standing straight anymore.
I took my ribbons for granted. For years, I hated them, hid them, tried to pretend that they weren’t a part of me. It wasn’t until I was with Fourth’s army that I even let them truly breathe—let myself breathe. It was just one inhale, but it led to a cacophony of gulping air.
I wonder if this is what it feels like for a bird whose wings have been clipped.
I didn’t comprehend until they were gone just how important they were to me. They were an extension of myself, they were my heart on my sleeve. And now, they’ve been torn away. I’m already trying to cope through my loss, but I never anticipated this other aspect to it.
It’s not just my balance that I lost.
“I let him make me into this, and I didn’t even realize it until it was too late,” I say as fury fills my eyes, red-hot heat raining down my cheek like acid. The ribbon in my pocket feels like it’s taken on the weight of a brick. “How am I supposed to train to become strong if I can’t even stand?”
Slade’s fists tighten at his sides, as if he’s envisioning wringing Midas’s throat. “You’ve had your ribbons for a decade, Auren. It makes sense that you need to adjust to being without them.”
I glare at him. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t placate me. Don’t stand there all confident and encouraging.”
“Would you rather I be doubtful and disparaging?”
Anger rises like a tide, but I push past it and start to walk away. I only make it a couple of steps before Judd appears in front of me. “You think you’re quitting, Gildy?”