Everything.
“Do you have any idea how much you hurt me that night? How much you stomped all over my feelings as if they meant nothing?”
“I—”
“No, don’t talk. Right now, you’ll listen. I told you time and again that I’m over my crush on Landon. In fact, I remember saying that I realized it wasn’t even a crush in the first place and that he didn’t matter.”
“You called his name,” he says in a clipped tone.
“What?”
“That first night I fucked you on the deck, you called me by his name.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“I know what I fucking heard, Cecily.”
“And I know what I was fucking thinking!” I take a few breaths, then speak in a more composed tone. “I was going to say that he didn’t matter at that moment. In fact, that’s when I realized my crush on him was shallow. I never chose him over you, Jeremy. And except for that foolish mistake at the initiation, I never helped him. You can choose to believe me or not, but I’ve regretted spying for him every day since. I thought we were at a point in our relationship where we didn’t keep secrets from each other, which is why I told you about that incident when I could’ve chosen not to. I wanted to start with a clean slate with you, tell you everything, and do whatever it would take to gain your trust. I was wrong. While I didn’t expect you to forgive me immediately, I didn’t expect you to disrespect me and ridicule my feelings.”
He slowly closes his eyes, and if I didn’t know better, I’d think he was in pain. But that’s only me projecting my feelings and principles onto an unfeeling man.
I’m crying again, tears streaming down my cheeks and blurring my vision until he becomes distorted lines and shadows.
When he opens his eyes again, they’re clearer and almost remorseful. “I’m sorry. I was in pain thinking you’d never choose me, and I took it out on you.”
“If you trusted me even a little, you’d know I’d never do that to you. But you chose to stomp on my feelings, on the confession it took me so much courage to make. I told you I loved you, but you chose your anger and trust issues over me.”
“Fuck, Lisichka. I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you.” He grabs my hand in his.
The skin where his fingers spread burns and it takes everything in me to ignore the effect his physical touch has on me.
“You nearly killed me in that alley.”
“I would never do that. I’d hurt myself before hurting you.”
“You already did, Jeremy! Maybe not physically, but you pierced my heart open with your rejection. And I can’t do this anymore. I can’t forgive you when I’m scared of what you’ll do to my feelings at the slightest hint of trouble or if you see Lan near me again. You know, when I was lying on the floor, feeling the nightmare restart all over again, my heart was heavy with the pain you inflicted. I can’t live in fear for the rest of my life, Jeremy. I just can’t.”
His face hardens with each of my words as if he can feel them instead of hearing them. “If you’re suggesting I let you go, I won’t.”
“You’ll have to, or I will hate you.” I pull my hands from his. “Smoke.”
His eyes taper and deep pain covers his features. “Cecily…”
“Goodbye, Jeremy.”
And then I slip back inside with fresh tears in my eyes and resolve tightening my heart.
I won’t allow anyone to hurt me again.
Not even the man I’m sure is the love of my life.
42
JEREMY
Cecily made it clear that she was done with me.
I made it clear that I wasn’t.
So we’ve been stuck in an empty circle since.
She gives me the cold shoulder, and I continue following her from afar, ensuring she’s safe.
It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t want my protection, I’m providing it anyway.
And yes, that might seem clingy, but I don’t give a fuck.
After exams, she went back to London for the summer. I apologized to my parents in advance because I planned to be wherever Cecily was, and if that meant spending the summer in fucking England, so be it.
My father told me to go for it, and Mom said she’d miss me, but as long as I showed her my face during the summer, she was fine with it.
I don’t think that will be possible.
It’s been almost two months and Cecily isn’t budging.
Kim, my favorite person on earth right now, made sure to invite me over for dinner and outings almost every night. I met Cecily’s grandfathers, played fucking board games with them, and had to endure their questioning. I was also cornered by her uncle, who, like her father, said he’d be keeping an eye on me.