It dawns on me then. All of this is a joke to Lan, a game he plays, a fun activity he indulges in.
He couldn’t care less who needs to be crushed as long as he has what he wants.
I’m just a pawn on his chessboard that he used and discarded.
“Did someone say my lordship’s name?” Remi jumps up beside us. “Don’t talk behind my back when you have the whole thing here.”
“Oh?” Lan grins. “And here I thought you were ignoring me, Rems.”
“Nonsense.” He gathers him in a bro hug. “There, there, don’t feel lonely, mate.”
Bran releases a puff of air. “He doesn’t even know the meaning of that word.”
“Don’t be jealous,” Lan says with a grin and utter ease, enjoying egging his twin brother on a bit too much.
He’s like that, whether it’s with his friends or family. Everyone is a fluid matter that could and would be used.
I guess I only just realized the extent he’d go to.
“Are you guys fighting for my attention? Don’t do that, I can’t choose!” Remi releases Lan and goes to sit beside Creigh. “I will only have my spawn, thank you very much. I know you miss Anni, even if you don’t say it, but I’ll keep you company.”
“He doesn’t care about you.” Ava raises her glass. “Maybe you should salvage your dignity while you can.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Are we still talking about me? Because that whole speech could’ve been directed at you. Your dignity is shriveling and dying on the floor as we speak.”
“Oh, you’re so dead, bitch.”
“Bring it on, bitch.”
Ava goes for his throat and they bicker on and on, accidentally spilling each other’s secrets. Glyn, who’s allergic to conflict, tries to mediate and break them up. Bran offers them drinks to cool them down.
Neither work.
Usually, I’d take Ava’s side. One, it’s fun to rile Remi up. Two, she might not act like it, but she was hurt by his words and I don’t allow that.
But I can’t bring myself to move or talk. Some of that has to do with Lan being here.
In the past, I’d get all giddy whenever he joined us and fangirl internally. Now, I’m uncomfortable.
I don’t want to sit beside him, knowing what he’s done. It’s been a long time since I figured out he doesn’t care about me more than as a childhood friend, but this is the first time I’ve finally accepted it.
I wait for the pain to wash through me, but it doesn’t. It’s merely a dull ache now, and I’m not sure if it’s because of him or something else.
After taking a sip of my drink, I check my phone. It’s a stupid habit I’ve developed ever since a different devil barged into my life.
The last text I sent is sitting there. On Read.
Of course he didn’t reply. Why would he?
Besides, I was too stressed at the moment, thinking I actually hurt a person, as monstrous as he is, or I wouldn’t have sent him that text.
From his perspective, I must’ve looked like the clingy type who couldn’t move on from the madness of that one night.
A part of me regrets it, the part that was always ashamed of my preferences. The part that prides itself in being confident and assertive but still made the reckless mistake of showing my tendencies to a predator.
No, not a predator. A hunter.
The other part is relieved that I was finally able to do something about my fantasies. That I was courageous enough to let it happen while I was scared of it.
That I was strong enough to not have one of those panic attacks like I did in the past whenever sex was mentioned.
I just didn’t count on everything that happened afterward.
I’ve driven myself to the edge countless times since, especially after the fire, and my sleep paralysis has become more frequent and filled with images that make me cry and scream.
Only internally, though.
On the outside, I can’t move. I can’t call for help. I can only shriek in the confinements of my soul.
It’s like I’m yelling into the void with no one to hear me. I’m being ripped apart by the black hands and no one can save me.
I’ve started drinking all sorts of energy drinks, coffee, and any caffeinated stuff to stop myself from closing my eyes at night.
Sleep scares the shit out of me.
Another drink slides in front of me. I stare at the sparkling blue and realize I finished my current one.
Landon winks at me.
I smile but with no humor whatsoever as I snatch it.
Caffeine equals no sleep. Even if it’s unhealthy.