“Okay, we don’t vote on that crap,” I say, pulling my hand away from hers and pretending that I have to eagerly search for a book in my locker. I mean, I do have to search for books in my locker but suddenly I can’t even remember what subjects I have this morning.
“Did you just curse?” Ishu sounds amused.
“Crap is not a curse word,” I say. “Other words that are synonyms of crap might be. But crap … isn’t.”
“Okay, okay,” Ishu says. “Look … I know it might not be comfortable but it’s kind of what we both signed up for. Holding my hand isn’t that bad, right?” She looks at me with the kind of smile that definitely looks strange on Ishu’s usually grumpy face.
I sigh. “No … holding your hand isn’t … that bad,” I concede. If I was being honest, I would say that holding her hand was probably the nicest thing I have done in a really, really long time. But I guess I’ve not done the honesty thing for a while now, either. “We don’t have to do any weird couple-y things, right? Like … canoodle?”
“What the hell does canoodle mean?” Ishu asks.
“I don’t know, like … the stuff you see couples doing.” I feel my cheeks warm because suddenly us being a couple is all I can see.
“Just holding hands. Hanging out?” she asks. “Is that okay?”
“Yeah,” I say. I know Ishu is only asking because of what happened on the Luas the other day. I guess I appreciate her checking my boundaries.
“So … are you finished with your books?” she asks, extending her hand like she’s been waiting for me. “I’ll walk you to your first class?”
I have to smile, because things like this do not seem like Ishu things at all. I guess she’s pretty dedicated to being Head Girl. And this is definitely a great way to show everyone that she is a likeable, charismatic person. Who knows the right people.
So I shut my locker door and slip my hand into hers. Her hand is soft and warm, and somehow the exact shade of brown as mine. And also somehow the exact shape and size to fit into mine perfectly.
“So … did you do anything fun after class yesterday?” she asks. I know she’s trying to make small talk but it just feels awkward. Everything about this feels awkward and weird and unnatural.
“Just … studied,” I say. “We have exams coming up so … I need to brush up on stuff. I’m really bad at maths.”
“Oh,” she turns to me with a frown. “You know I’m really good at maths? I could help you study?”
“That’s … okay,” I say in the nicest way I can. “I’m not great at studying with other people.”
“Right,” she says. “That’s fair.”
“Well …” I point to the double doors of the art classroom. “This is me.”
“Okay … I’ll see you at lunch?” Ishu asks.
“Yeah.”
She shoots me a smile and turns away. Toward whatever class she has, I guess. The strange thing is, despite how weird and awkward and unnatural Ishu walking me to class felt, I still feel a strange emptiness at her being gone.
As much as I don’t want to have any feelings for Ishu, I can’t help that I keep opening up our guide. It almost feels like second nature.
I haven’t added anything to it since that day on the Luas—neither has Ishu. Still, I can’t help but scroll through it every once in a while—always wondering about what it would be like if all of this were real and not pretend.
It’s as I’m looking at the guide wistfully on Thursday night that I notice a new user appear at the top of the screen. Unlike Ishu’s circular blue I, this circle has an orange N inside it.
I blink my eyes, wondering if I’ve imagined it, because the next moment it’s disappeared. But my heart is hammering in my chest. I couldn’t have imagined it.
Slowly, I click the blue share button at the top of my screen, half afraid of knowing the truth. And what I read makes my breath hitch in my throat: Shared with: Ishita Dey and Nikhita Dey.
chapter twenty-eight
ishu
BY THE TIME THE WEEKEND ROLLS AROUND, HANI AND I are still as awkward as ever. The easy comfort that we once felt with each other seems to have been stripped away. In fact, for most of the week Hani spent as little time with me as possible. Sure, she let me walk her to her classes like we’re a real-life couple, but for the entire week we barely texted or talked at all. Like we’re not even friends.