“Let’s not think about that,” Nik says. She pulls the car into park in front of Mao’s. “Thai food?”
Later on, as Nik forks pad thai into her mouth, her gaze rests on me—curiosity flickering in her eyes.
“What?” I ask, when she’s been staring wordlessly for long enough to make me feel uncomfortable.
“Tell me what happened with Hani.”
“I don’t want to talk about that.” I shove a forkful of noodles into my mouth to avoid talking. Nik just pokes me on my side.
“I flew all the way over here—”
“’Oo can’ juz’ use tha’ ‘scuze.”
Nik rolls her eyes. “I’m not going to stop bothering you until you tell me everything. Doesn’t matter if you’re eating. I’m your sister—I can help you deal with all of this.” She raises an eyebrow almost threateningly. I swallow down my noodles and heave a sigh.
“It’s complicated.”
“Would it even be romance if it wasn’t?”
I play with the noodles with my fork for a moment, before launching into it. “The thing is … Aisling is kind of Hani’s best friend.”
Whatever Nik was expecting, I guess it wasn’t that, because she almost falls off her chair with the shock of it. The knife and fork she was using drops to the ground with a clatter. The other customers at the restaurant look over at us with glares. Nik shoots them polite smiles and bends down to pick up the cutlery, before setting it down on the table and staring me down.
“Hani doesn’t seem like the type of person to be friends with her. I mean … I don’t know …”
I shrug. “I don’t know why they’re friends, really. Just that they’ve been for as long as I remember. Well … Hani was on her side, obviously.”
“Hani thought you cheated on the test?” Nik’s voice goes up as she says it.
“Well … not exactly.”
“So …”
“She … I don’t know. She kept saying she was confused. She didn’t know who to believe.”
“And then you two broke up?”
Instead of answering, I put another forkful of noodles into my mouth and begin to chew. At least that’s keeping the lump from my throat, and keeping the tears at bay.
“So … you broke up with her, huh?” Nik goes back to her pad thai. “You know, Ishu—I know you’re a lot of things … abrasive, closed-off, cold, a little mean-spirited sometimes, jealous, definitely, and for sure—”
“Nik!”
“Sorry.” Nik smiles. “I just never thought you were a fool. Cleverness is something you’ve always had going for you.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask.
“Well … you just gave Aisling everything. You gave up the girl you care about and want to be with instead of fighting for her, or even explaining your side of the story to her. You sent her right to Aisling. Why would she believe you when you gave up on her so easily?” Nik isn’t looking at me. She’s just taking small bites of noodles as she speaks.
“We were never even together to begin with, Nik. The whole thing … it was all a lie. I thought at least she could be a friend, but … she’s not even that. She was never going to believe me,” I say. “I bet Aisling has already spun some lies to make Hani believe that she isn’t actually at fault. That it’s all me, actually. She’s … she’s different when she’s with her white friends. She tries to change herself to be more like them, to fit in or whatever. I don’t even know if I want to be with someone like that.”
Nik settles me with a glare. “You can hardly be angry with her for that.”
“Yes, I can,” I say, settling Nik with a glare of my own.
“It’s not like you’re always exactly yourself. You do things just because Ammu and Abbu think you should. Would you have let Aisling and Principal Gallagher walk all over you like that if Ammu and Abbu hadn’t been there?”
“Well, no. But that’s different. They’re my parents.”
“My point, dear sister, is that we all have people who we bend ourselves for the approval of. For you and me, it’s Ammu and Abbu. For Hani, it’s her friends. We all need to fit in, or need to be loved, or need approval. You and Hani aren’t that different, if you think about it.”
Nik is wrong. I know she is. I’m not bending myself or being someone I’m not because of Ammu or Abbu. They’ve never asked me to be what I’m not, have they? They didn’t ask me to be Head Girl, but … would I have tried to be Head Girl if I didn’t think it would get me their approval?