“No,” I say. “Should we ignore it?”
It buzzes again.
We trade a shrug.
I approach the box on the wall and press the speaker button. “Yes?”
“Flowers.”
It’s possible I heard that wrong. This speaker was installed during Prohibition. Approximately. “Um…what?”
“Flower delivery.”
Okay. Heard him right. But unless my parents are sending me flowers, no one has this address. “You have the wrong apartment.”
“How do you know they’re not for me?” Shayna wants to know.
Wincing inwardly, I tap the speaker again. “Who are they for?”
A long-suffering groan fills the apartment. “Elise Brandeis.”
“Oh.” I rear back slightly, baffled. Then I shake myself and hold down the button to allow the delivery person into the building. Keeping the chain lock engaged, I pull open the apartment door slightly and watch the man approach with…not one, but two bouquets. My jacket is hanging on the peg beside the door, so I root around in my pocket for the change I received this morning for my bagel—it’s a few singles—and when he sets down the flowers in their vases on the hallway floor, I hand him the dollar bills through the slit in the door. “Thanks.”
“Yup,” he sighs, already heading back in the opposite direction.
Shayna laid down safety rules when I rented the room and they include never opening the door for strangers, and never buzzing anyone into the building without knowing who it is. When I order takeout, I give her a heads-up that someone will be coming to the door and she returns the favor. Apart from the odd, casual conversation, that’s really the extent of our relationship.
When I moved in last year, she asked me a few times if I wanted to join her and some colleagues on a night out, but I declined. I’m not great at maintaining friendships, even if she seems like someone I would have liked a lot in a past life.
I wait until the deliveryman is out of view before sliding open the chain lock and bringing the bouquets into the apartment one by one. I set them down on the small coffee table in our common area and consider the cards peeking out among the blooms.
One is roses. Red. All cut the exact same length.
One is a mixture of sunflowers and daisies and big, orange lilies.
Somehow I know they’re from my men.
I’m referring to them as my men now? Ugh.
The question is, how did they get my address?
My head moves on a swivel, zeroing in on my purse where I left it, hanging on top of my jacket. I’m on my feet, zipping across the apartment under the suspicious eye of Shayna, taking out my wallet to find my identification is missing. I haven’t needed it since yesterday, so I wouldn’t have noticed it was gone. They must have taken it when they ambushed me at the Times. Or one of them took it, rather. But they’re all accomplices, as far as I’m concerned.
“Gabe,” I say through my teeth. “I can’t believe I sent him a yoga pants selfie today. I am going to—”
The buzzer sounds off again.
Slowly, I turn to look at Shayna and I’m greeted by an arched eyebrow. “Maybe he forgot you needed to sign something?”
“Yeah, probably.” I hit the talk button. “Yes?”
“Delivery.”
“That’s not the same voice,” Shayna points out.
“I know.” I lean in toward the speaker again. “Delivery from where? For who?”
“Jesus, I don’t know. Uh…the slip says ‘Tobias’ something?” he says. “Is that you?”
With a headache starting to pound behind my eyes, I let the delivery man into the building. “I hope they are enjoying their last moments on earth right now, because tonight I’m going to kill them.”
Shayna clears her throat. “What was that?”
“Nothing,” I croak. Sliding the chain lock back into its groove, I open the door a couple of inches. I find a man holding a gigantic eggplant wrapped in a yellow bow. “Great. That’s just lovely,” I grumble, desperately searching my jacket pockets for more tip money, surprised when Shayna’s arm appears over my shoulder, two singles folded between her middle and forefingers. “Thanks,” I say a minute later when I’ve closed the door.
And now I’m standing here with an eggplant.
Shayna gestures to the purple vegetable, also known as the universal symbol for dick, and the bouquets on the coffee table. “What’s all this?”
“This? Nothing.” Quickly, I toss the eggplant into my bedroom where it bounces twice on the bed, before coming to a rest on my pillow, no doubt leaving the world’s biggest dick print. Tobias would be delighted. “Sorry about the interruption,” I say, collaring a vase under each arm and waddling them toward my bedroom. “Plans for tonight?” I call.