I stay by the fence, alone. I’ve been pressed up against the Watch all day, and I don’t feel like explaining my growling stomach to anyone, and more than anything, I need some time to myself. I kick off my shoes and spread my hands in the cool grass. The fence smells of wet wood. Weeds creep up the slats and tangle in my fingers. The Milky Way shines in a silver streak above the buildings and clouds.
Revelation 21:1—And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away.
No, the first heaven and the first earth were murdered.
I don’t notice Nick beside me until the rattle of plastic beads makes it past my thoughts. He’s leaning against the fence, toy lizard in hand, staring into the fire.
“You eat yet?” he says when I look up at him, even though he doesn’t look at me.
“I’m fine.”
“Not what I asked.”
“I’m not hungry.”
Of course, my stomach picks that moment to growl. Nick kicks away from the fence and walks into the crowd. A minute later, he returns with two handfuls of sizzling meat, using folded-up printer paper as plates. He tosses one down to me.
“Eat.”
Grudgingly, I do. It’s still fire hot, the same way my hands, stomach, and throat feel, and I balance it on my thighs to keep it from burning my fingers. This is more food than I’ve eaten at once in days, but it’s so warm and smells so good I can’t stop myself. It falls apart in my mouth, taste bursting across my tongue. There’s so much flavor, it makes my jaw ache. It’s barely salted, barely seasoned because we have so little to spare, but it’s the best thing I’ve tasted in forever.
Nick says, “Are you going to be all right tomorrow?”
I shrug, peeling off another piece. When I accidentally touch a part that burns, I stick my finger into my mouth. “I’ll have to be.”
He snorts and pulls down his mask to take a bite.
I stare without an ounce of shame. He has the squishy face of a teenager, like cookie dough that isn’t finished baking, baby fat that puberty hasn’t wiped away just yet. But there’s strength to his jaw, in the hard way his lips are set. Something that says, sure, he’s handsome now, but just you wait, just wait and see what he grows into, it’ll be worth it.
He doesn’t have stubble. For some reason, that surprises me. Maybe I’d just gotten used to it. Theo was starting to get patchy, awkward facial hair when I left, and he used to rub it on me to piss me off, leaving red burns on my neck and cheeks. I dig my nail into where my engagement ring used to be and shove more venison into my mouth. The flavors aren’t as strong this time.
Nick says, “All you have to do is give the signal and make sure the abominations don’t kill us.”
“I know.” We’ve decided I’ll be on lookout since it needs to be done anyway, and it’s the way to hide what I can do. As far as the rest of the Watch knows, my job is to find a vantage point, wait until the Angels are distracted, and fire the first shot. Easy enough for the new guy, and still more than most others are willing to do.
“See Aisha for your uniform before we leave.”
“Yeah.”
We’re silent for a moment together. Just eating, catching juice that rolls over our chins. Someone barks with laughter and claps a hand over their mouth in apology. The food settles in my stomach, and I feel warm. Not burning, but warm, like I’m somehow sitting next to the fire even though I’m all the way across the courtyard. Gentle. Cozy.
There’s so much bustle over there and inside the ALC. So many bodies, so much silent noise. It’s quiet over here. Just us, the food, the grass, and the sky.
Nick says, “It’s okay to be scared.”