Why, oh why, are there always so many questions?
Sometimes, you know, I feel as if my head is actually going to explode with them. I told a doctor this years ago and he said that we could try a different prescription, but I got tired of the battles over the drugs. All the wretched side effects. It seems to me that drugs try to fix one thing but simply create another problem. And then you need a different drug to fix the new problem. But do the doctors listen? Do they sympathise? No, they don’t.
I think I may look for a mobile next – to hang above the cot. When I was small my mother used to sing this lullaby . . . I know the tune but I can’t for the life of me remember the words. I may look online. YouTube perhaps? Imagine if I can find a mobile with little elephants to match the duvet.
That would be just perfect, wouldn’t it?
That would blank out what happened. All the blackness and the noise in my head.
That would make things nice and calm again.
A lemon mobile with white elephants. Yes. I’ll look online. Maybe they sell one to match.
That would be just perfect.
CHAPTER 17
THE PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
‘So what do you think? Be honest, Sal.’ Matthew’s in his car, mobile clamped to his right ear as he watches Mel, ready to pull away ahead of him.
He’s holding his breath but she doesn’t answer for a time and so he ploughs on. ‘I won’t say “yes” if you hate the idea. But I think this could be a good thing for us; for Amelie, I mean. We can tell her Daddy’s going to help catch the bad person and she doesn’t need to be afraid.’
More silence.
‘Please say something, Sally.’
‘This is someone with a gun, Matt.’
‘I know, I know, love, but I also know what I’m doing. And I can help them solve the case faster if I’m on board officially.’
‘But this isn’t your problem, Matt. The whole thing really scares me.’
‘I understand and I won’t agree to anything until we’ve talked it through tonight. I just wanted you to know straight away about the approach. Look, I’ve got to go.’ He lifts his hand as a signal to Mel that he’ll follow her car. ‘I love you, Sally.’ He means it. He really does. He just wishes he could make her not worry.
‘I love you too.’
Matthew’s just about to fire the ignition when he spots Amanda, the PR, leaving through the main doors. A thought suddenly sweeps in and he quickly steps out of the car.
‘Amanda. Sorry to hold you up but have you got a minute?’
She glances at her watch, frowning. ‘I’ve got a meeting actually.’
‘Don’t worry. Won’t take long. I just wanted to say thank you properly. How grateful I was for your support at the cathedral. You and Tom. Keeping the students safe until the full team arrived.’
‘Oh that. Right.’ She looks embarrassed. ‘Well to be honest, it wasn’t my finest hour. I was pretty petrified actually.’
‘Me too.’
She smiles at last.
‘Seriously. I was sorry to ask that of you. Put you and Tom on the spot. But most people at the cathedral just bolted. You didn’t.’ He won’t mention that he knows she’s having counselling. The chancellor clearly shouldn’t have shared that.
‘No. Well, we had the students to think of.’ She looks away for a moment. ‘They were terrified too.’
‘And the other thing I wondered . . .’ He waits for her to look back at him. ‘。 . . is how you feel about this final ceremony. If it goes ahead, will you be involved? Did I pick up back there that you have concerns?’ He pauses. ‘Off the record.’
‘Oh, come on.’ She tilts her head. ‘You and I both know that there’s no such thing as off the record, Mr Hill.’
‘Matthew, please.’
‘I’m a press officer. I’m hardly going to speak out of turn, Matthew.’
‘Of course.’ He bites into his bottom lip then plunges on. ‘But I’m going to be asking around. I’m going to find out anyway. So – is this senior management team very split?’
She takes in a long breath as if weighing something up. ‘Look, it’s no secret around campus that opinions are divided. Some badly want a morale boost to see us past this. Others think it safer and easier to just bump it all.’
‘And you share the latter view?’
‘I didn’t say that.’
He looks at her intently. ‘It’s OK to be nervous, you know.’