Now at last she was dialling the phone again. She pressed it against her ear. ‘Mum? Listen. I need you to come over urgently. Something really terrible has happened. A man’s here in the house. He looks just like Ed but he isn’t Ed. I don’t know what he’s done with Ed. He won’t tell me.’
There was a pause and Ed could just make out the confusion and panic in her mother’s raised voice on the other end of the line.
‘I don’t know, Mum. I don’t know what’s going on. Can you just get in the car and come over here right now otherwise I need to call the police?’ Another pause. ‘No, no. You can’t speak to him. I can’t let him in the room. It’s too dangerous.’
And then she just hung up. She raised the torch again and continued to stare.
‘She’ll be here in ten minutes. You don’t move, you hear me. You don’t move a single muscle or I’ll take you down.’
CHAPTER 19
THE DAUGHTER – BEFORE
Waiting for Godot – did Samuel Beckett truly write for performance or did his work pose restrictions for actors and directors? Discuss.
I don’t understand it. I’m never late. I’m always careful. I’ve been on the Pill since I was seventeen and I’ve never had any problems or any serious scares. Why now? Why a scare now? As if I haven’t got enough going on.
OK – so I need not to panic here. It could be stress. Ten days over could still be stress. I read about that. Stress can mess up your cycle big time.
And I have been stressed . . .
The truth is I haven’t written anything about ‘S’ for a few weeks because it’s literally been changing daily, let alone weekly. At first he was so lovely and so honourable. He backed right off. Left it entirely up to me. He said that he had really strong feelings for me but didn’t want to put me in a difficult situation. I decided at first that it was best to write it off as a mistake. Just that one time. But the more I saw him and realised how he was struggling with his feelings, the more I kept thinking about him. About how different it felt with him, compared with ‘A’。 （I’ve only just realised what an idiot I’ve been writing HIS name out in full. I’m having to sweep through and change that . . . I mean, if ‘A’ does ever get into my computer, he’ll do a search for his name, won’t he? Fake essay titles won’t be enough. Why didn’t I think of that before . . .）
Anyway. Back to ‘S’。 I mean I do know it’s a cliché. My tutor. And I was embarrassed and thrown at first by what happened. But it’s so completely different being around someone older. It’s so nice. The maturity, I mean. The proper talking.
And yes – I get that he’s married. And it’s complicated and technically very, very wrong but there’s no way I would be seeing him if he wasn’t, in effect, separated. The thing is – his marriage has been dead for a very long time. Years and years. He’s tried to leave several times but she’s apparently a little fragile and he’s a really decent and kind bloke so he’s trying to help her build her confidence and help her settle into a new job and a new life before they split up formally. So they’re still living in the same home but more as a house share, not as a proper couple – sleeping apart, obviously – more as a front.
It was knowing this that decided things for me. I mean – it’s not like starting something up with someone who’s going to stay married, or is happily married. It’s a question of timing when they separate. Not an ‘if’ but a ‘when’。
So it was my decision to sleep with him again. He didn’t push me. He’s not like ‘A’。 He never loses his temper or gets wound up. He listens to me; he talks to me.
I think that’s what I love the most of all. We talk things through. It’s not like at home with Mum with her pottering off into the kitchen every time things get tricky. ‘S’ listens.
So – yes. We’re a couple, albeit a secret one for now. And spending time with ‘S’， however briefly and however ‘complicated’， has made me realise just how immature and inappropriate ‘A’’s behaviour has always been. I’ve shared just a few details with ‘S’ and he was horrified. He says that in no way is that kind of behaviour acceptable, not ever, and I need to be careful. That ‘A’ is controlling and very, very bad news.
The only very tricky thing is I can’t confide in any of my friends because the ‘S’ situation is so sensitive for now. Oh my word – why does everything have to be so damn complicated in my life?