I’m not feeling great, actually, so I need to work hard to stay calm. I’ve had to limit my supply of everything. My drugs, I mean. Pace myself. So some of the time, I feel wired and then it’s like jumping from a window and I’m incredibly tired. But no matter. It’s to be expected. They’ve never really worked – the drugs. I know that now but I’m worried how it will feel without them completely so I need to make sure I don’t run out.
So it’s good to have this room to focus on.
I’ve put a calendar on the wall and it’s not too long to wait. I can be patient. I can do this.
I just need to try to stop dwelling on the past and to think of the future when it will all have been worth it.
It’s just such a shame that no one would listen to me before. Trust me? If people had listened to me, all this need never have happened.
CHAPTER 24
THE DAUGHTER – BEFORE
Is Tess in Tess of the d’Urbervilles portrayed as being responsible for her own demise?
I don’t believe it. I am sitting on my bed, staring at the test stick with tears rolling down my face and I still don’t believe.
Two blue lines. Pregnant. How? HOW?
I’ve been crying for so long that my face actually feels numb. But crying doesn’t help. I need to do something. Anything. To write. To type. To figure out what the hell I am going to do next.
I honestly just don’t understand how this could have happened. I’ve been on the Pill for years without a single scare.
I mean I know I get a tummy upset occasionally – irritable bowel syndrome, actually – but I never thought this would happen. Could happen. I’ve been googling the morning-after pill but that just makes me cry even more. Is it too late for that? Legal? Ethical? I haven’t a clue about my dates, not really. I don’t know what’s legal and what’s not. Can anyone get the morning-after pill if it isn’t actually technically the morning after? Do I go to my doctor? Do I go to a clinic? Can someone at the uni help me? Will it def be anonymous? I feel that I should know this stuff but I don’t and I’ve no one I can confide in. Maddy is out because I can’t face telling her about the father. It’s way too dangerous for him. Mum would never cope – it would literally kill her and I just can’t talk to her about this kind of thing. And in any case, everyone will think it’s ‘A’’s. Which it can’t be by my calculations . . . if the blurred dates in my head are right, that is.
And oh my God, do I tell him? The father. How do I do that? I suppose he has a right to know. A right to have a say, but it’s early days for us. And he’s married. And what if he thinks I did this on purpose, which of course I absolutely didn’t.
OK. So I think what I’m going to do is this. I’m going to buy another test （why, oh why, did I only get one?）。 If that comes back positive too, I’m going to check my calendar and phone some helplines to work out where I am on my dates – also my options before I contact him.
Maybe he’ll surprise me? I mean, I don’t want to have a baby now. I want to get my career going. It would be completely bonkers to have a baby now. But I don’t actually know if I can face the alternatives. Would I regret it? Ever forgive myself?
I don’t know. I don’t know.
I’m supposed to be at Pilates tonight but I can’t face it. Can’t face anything.
What an idiot, Gemma. What a complete and horrible nightmare.
It just feels surreal. I’ve had friends who’ve had scares and they’ve always turned out OK but I’d never really appreciated how it would feel. And I just don’t know how I got here. Feels like Alice grew up into the worst possible disaster down that stupid, stinking rabbit hole.
CHAPTER 25
THE PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR
‘Right. Talk me through what we’ve got so far.’ Mel is staring through the glass screen to the interior of the forensic lab. The two dolls, the identical boxes and the various sample pots and bags are carefully laid out on a table within the sealed area. Hannah, the senior forensic scientist, is still in her protective clothing. She’s doing them a big favour by agreeing to this preliminary briefing.
It’s Tuesday, just twenty-four hours since the drama. The confusion. Matthew glances between Hannah and Mel, all the while thinking of Amelie and Sally in that summer house. The panic and the awful wait while the team sent in a sniffer dog to check the box in the kitchen. No sign of explosives. The careful removal. The phone call from Mel confirming that the hospital delivery was also cleared – no explosives.