A part of him would like to ask her what to expect but he still feels awkward, knowing that she’s having counselling herself.
‘Also.’ He changes his tone – more upbeat – as he gets out of the car, not wanting to keep Sally and Amelie waiting. ‘Will you be at the update with the chancellor and DI Sanders later?’
‘Yes. Why? Anything to add? We’ve still got the media crawling all over us. Expect you do too.’
‘And some. No. Nothing to add. I’ll be out of action, obviously, for this session. But DI Sanders will bring you up to speed. Just wanted to add that if you need anything from us – a return favour, do please ask.’
‘No need. Happy to help.’
‘Right. I must go. DI Sanders will update me after the meeting.’
‘OK. Bye.’
‘Bye.’
He fires the central locking and hurries inside to find Sally and Amelie seated around the small table in the playroom alongside a woman with a shock of dark, curly hair, held back by a bright turquoise band. She’s wearing long, dangly earrings with white and turquoise beads and Matthew feels strangely reassured by how much she looks the part.
‘Hello. I’m Matthew.’ He shakes her hand.
‘Lucy.’
‘Look. We’ve got a worry jar, Daddy.’ Amelie picks up a large empty plastic jar to show him and he’s both surprised and pleased to see the energy back in her eyes. Amelie’s clearly open to this; up for this. She’s a frightened little girl just now, but above all still a curious girl.
‘What’s a worry jar?’ He finds that he is ironically worried about the worry jar, still wary of his part here. But he smiles at his daughter and at Lucy and Sally in turn to signal he’s up for this too. He takes a seat and tells himself that he will try very hard to bury his default setting that ‘therapy’ of any kind is all mumbo jumbo. That talking never solved anything. He will try not to remember that when he left the force – when he woke night after night, sweating and calling out from his nightmares for the child he believed he had killed – he refused help. Refused therapy. Left the force instead.
He smooths the fabric of his trousers over his knees. This is not about him. This is for Amelie so he must park the prejudice and do whatever it takes to help his little girl.
‘Well, everyone has worries,’ Lucy says as she hands out paper. ‘And everyone gets afraid sometimes. It’s normal. Adults and children have worries. So sometimes we need to talk about them and maybe draw a picture. Or write some words. And then we put the worry in the jar and put the lid on. And we think of something happier to help us not to think about the worry.’
‘I can write my name!’ Amelie says, looking proud.
‘That’s very clever! And I bet you can draw pictures. Do you like drawing, Amelie?’ Lucy is moving the pot of crayons and pencils closer to Amelie.
‘OK, Mummy and Daddy. You need to write or draw a worry too.’
Lucy is widening her eyes and Matthew feels a pull in his stomach. He finds that he is unsure how he is supposed to behave here. Should he have spoken separately to Lucy first? Is he supposed to be honest? Or brave for Amelie?
‘We need to be honest so we can work out how to deal with our worries,’ Lucy says as if reading his mind. ‘So that we know what to do when we have difficult feelings. When we have worries. And when we’re afraid.’
‘Do you get worried?’ Amelie says suddenly, looking very earnestly at Lucy.
‘Of course.’ Lucy adjusts her hairband. ‘But not too much. Because I know the tricks now.’
‘Tricks?’ Amelie looks very interested now, her eyes wide and hopeful, and Matthew feels his heart leap. He thinks of her crying when he ran to them in the supermarket car park after the cathedral. He thinks of her creeping into their bed in the night. I’ve had an accident, Mummy . . .
‘Yes – the tricks are how to make myself feel better. That’s what I’m going to show you.’ Lucy winks and takes a piece of paper herself. ‘So my worry is what people will think of me.’ She starts to draw a stick person with a big stomach and in the belly she takes different-coloured pencils and draws lots of wiggles. ‘I get funny feelings in my tummy – like wiggly worms – because I worry if people will like me.’
Amelie laughs and Matthew finds himself smiling and realises that he likes Lucy already.
‘So what are you all worried about at the moment? Mummy and Daddy – write it down. And Amelie, you draw a picture of your worry.’