‘When are we going to the beach? Mummy says we can make sandcastles.’
They both turn to see Amelie in the doorway, carrying a bright red bucket and yellow spade. They’ve told her it’s an extra holiday. A treat for being such a good, brave girl.
‘Soon, honey.’ Sally brightens her tone for their daughter. ‘Daddy has to go back to work but we can do a quick trip to the beach before supper. Go and find your flip-flops. They’re in the pink bag.’
Amelie beams and then disappears into the hall.
‘I don’t deserve you.’ Matthew kisses Sally’s cheek but she still doesn’t turn to look at him properly.
‘This is true.’ She lets out a long sigh. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll come round. It’s just – I’m so tired. I honestly thought I knew what I was getting into.’ At last she turns. ‘But I realise now that I didn’t at all.’
She looks right into his eyes and there’s something in her expression that he can’t quite read. ‘It’s hard to explain properly,’ she continues, ‘because I’m still working it out in my head. I just get scared. I do really love you—’
He can hear the ‘but’ coming and wonders if he should just interrupt. Make his case? That he’ll step back from the case. The job. Everything . . .
‘—but I don’t love what you do.’ She pauses, looking at the floor, and anxiety is coursing through him.
Don’t say it. Don’t say it, Sally.
He reaches out to touch her cheek, as if touching her will stop her saying it.
‘I do get that you’re not who you are unless you do this. And I fell in love with you because of who you are.’ She takes in another deep breath and he finds that he’s holding his own. ‘So – here’s what I think. You need to get back to Devon and do what you do best. I badly want this one to be over. I want you to find whoever’s doing all this.’ She kisses him and relief sweeps through him so fast that he feels almost light-headed. ‘Fast as you can. Promise me, Matt?’
‘I promise you.’ He holds her close.
‘You’re crushing me.’
‘Sorry.’ He eases the grip but they stay locked. Ten seconds. Twenty. And then Sally steps back first, her eyes glistening as she tilts up her chin to regroup. She’s still very afraid; he can see that. And Matthew cannot remember loving her more than he does in this moment.
Finally, she signals with her head that they should move. They’ve agreed he’ll drive straight back to Devon, spend a night at home so he can get some rest before liaising with Mel first thing tomorrow. Friday. The day of the final graduation ceremony.
Matthew walks back into the kitchen and Sally follows, calling to Amelie to come and say goodbye to Daddy. He picks up his keys from the kitchen table, trying not to focus on the worry jar which Amelie packed in her bright pink case and which already has pride of place on the windowsill.
He kisses them both again, promising ice-cream sundaes on the seafront when he returns and hurries away to his car, fighting the hard knot in his stomach and tuning into the local radio for traffic updates.
He makes good time back to Devon and attempts an early night. But it’s impossible. He sleeps badly and wakes early. He’s never known a week like it and is not looking forward to returning to Maidstead Cathedral today. A crack-of-dawn text from Mel suggests an early catch up at their regular café. Already showered, he leaves straight away, expecting to arrive before her, but she’s already on her second coffee as he slumps into the seat in their regular alcove.
‘So you didn’t sleep either?’ She shakes her head. It’s D-Day, after all; the day they’ve both been dreading. Another ceremony.
‘Why here?’ he asks. ‘I thought that now I’m officially on the case, we didn’t need to sneak around.’ Matthew raises his hand to catch the eye of the waitress and orders a cappuccino. He glances around the room. He and Mel have met here for years, discreetly liaising on cases beneath the radar of Mel’s colleagues.
‘Dave’s nose is a bit out of joint. I didn’t want to rub salt in. Especially today. I need him on side today.’ Mel finishes her drink and stacks it with the stained cup and saucer from her first round, pushing all the crockery to the edge of the table, ready for the waitress.
Dave is Mel’s sergeant who would normally lead on interviews. He’s a good operator and is still irked that his boss took over to interview Alex, with Matthew watching.