It all made sense. I was meant to be here. I was meant to come. Every step I’d taken, every choice, had led me here. Even when I’d been fighting so desperately to get away, I’d run back into danger.
My sense of self-preservation hadn’t just been bad — it had actively driven me to this place, to this cold cave deep underground, to fall at the feet of my God.
“You see, my child? Your soul is mine, to be bound into an eternity of exquisite suffering among all those who have come before. Marcus Kynes, Victoria Hadleigh, and now you, Raelynn Lawson. The sacrifice is complete. As I escape this place, and the world changes beneath my hand, you will see it all. You will feel the agony, the pain, the righteous fear of humankind. Such is the fate of my chosen ones, to be blessed to suffer for me forever. To feel such pain is beauty. It is the final, ultimate purpose of your soul.”
I looked up, into the face of God, through the watery haze of tears. “Am I going to die?”
“Never,” It said. “Your flesh will rot, consumed by my servants. But you will go on, with me, forever. There will be no end. There will be no rest. There will be no respite nor comfort. Only perfect, holy suffering.”
In the shadows beyond God, I could see the Eld waiting, I could smell the deathly stench of them. They watched me hungrily, thick saliva dripping from their jagged teeth. I wouldn’t even be dead yet when they tore into me. I’d die slowly, ripped apart until my soul abandoned this body.
God grasped my jaw, forcing my gaze back to Its beautiful, awful face. “You are mine. Forever awaits you. The time has come.”
The sensation of my head being split again made me scream. It was as if cruel, cold fingers were pressing into the cracks of my skull, pulling it apart. But it wasn’t memories that I was forced into this time. The swirling colors that made up the God’s being had surrounded me. I didn’t know if I was falling or floating, if I was being pulled into pieces or compressed so tightly that I would soon cease to exist. It hurt to look, it hurt but I couldn’t close my eyes. Within the myriad of colors, I could see shapes, structures made of iridescent light. It was so blindingly bright and so cold.
Then came the screaming.
Not mine, but the screams of dozens, if not hundreds, thousands of voices. Screams of true agony, the kind of sound that made me sick just to hear it. My screams melted among them, and I realized that it would never end. This raw feeling in my throat would go on, this pain would go on, this ripping feeling wouldn’t stop. This was the endless, holy suffering God spoke of. This was the fate of my soul.
But no matter how much It ripped at me, no matter how shattered my mind became in Its grip, I was tethered and my soul wouldn’t let go. God couldn’t take me, because I’d bound myself to another.
To Leon.
And when I realized that, the colors around me suddenly vanished and I was struggling, thrashing, then tearing away from God’s hold, screaming, “No! No, no, no! I’m not yours!”
I scrambled back against the stone wall of the cavern, gasping, my vision sliding in and out of focus. God’s perfect face was twitching, morphing rapidly between beautiful and vile. The illusion was breaking, and it was as if I could see both at once: the horrifying reality of Its massive tentacled form, and the too-perfect mask of a beautiful being.
“You can’t take me!” The louder I shouted, the more I could breathe, the more I could move. The control it had over me could be fought back, and I fought it viciously. “You will never be free from this place because you’ll never have your last sacrifice!” I laughed hysterically as I laid my hand over Leon’s mark on my thigh, the cuts still tender but no longer bleeding. Somewhere, Leon was still alive. He’d survived. When God had tried to take me, tried to separate my body and soul, I’d felt my tether to him pull taut and hold me back, refusing to let go.
Every path I’d taken, every seemingly inconsequential decision, had led to this moment. The choice between two eternities, a choice that was mine alone. I’d chosen. I knew to whom my soul belonged, and it wasn’t to a merciless God.
It belonged to another monster, a monster who had found me and protected me despite his darkness. It belonged to a demon who, even now, I knew was trying to reach me. To protect me, to save me. I stood up a little taller against the wall, even though I had never been so afraid.
Maybe this would be the day I died. Maybe this really was my fate. But in the end, the choice had still been mine. I’d found the deepest depths of this darkness and looked upon true horror. I’d fought every step of the way.