“Next summer?”
“He already submitted a grant application so we can pay you properly,” Taj says. “If you’re up for it, of course.”
My mouth falls open. “Like a do-over?”
“More like a well-deserved encore,” Taj says, ruffling my hair.
Forty-one hours. I’m staring at my text app again, but now it’s Mikey’s name I’m stuck on. The last dozen messages in our thread are all in blue. All from me.
I can’t really blame him.
Intellectually, I’ve always sort of known Mikey was the one who’d fallen harder, but I’m not sure I fully believed it. It just seemed a little ridiculous that anyone could like me that much. I don’t leave that kind of a mark. Or I didn’t think I did.
I should call him.
Or not. Definitely not. I don’t want to put Mikey on the spot. Texting’s better. That way he can take his time with it, or reply with emojis or something. Maybe he won’t even write back.
I stare at the empty text box for a full fucking minute.
Hey, I write finally.
No immediate response, but that’s fine.
I keep going. I know you’re probably busy with Robbie’s wedding, so no need to respond to this right away
Or ever
Seriously, no pressure at all
I just wanted to say again that I’m so fucking sorry. The more I think about how I treated you, the more horrified I am.
And like
You were SO honest with me, and I can’t imagine how it must have felt when I left you hanging. I wish I’d been braver
And more self-aware
Wish I’d taken better care of your beautiful heart
I’m so sorry, Mikey Mouse.
I press send—and as soon as I tap out of my texts, a notification pops up from my photo app.
July 9. Two years ago, today.
Skyscrapers, shot from such a low angle, they seem to tip over. A flare of brightness peeking through the background. I remember this moment so clearly, I practically feel the sun on my cheeks.
The Arthur who took that picture didn’t know he was on his way to the post office. He didn’t know he was minutes away from meeting a boy with a box.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Ben
Thursday, July 9
I haven’t been to Hudson’s in almost a year and a half.
I buzz the intercom and I’m still surprised he’s letting me in.
The lobby hasn’t changed much. Packages left in front of the mailbox. A smudgy mirror. The elevator has maintained its lemony scent. The dim hallway leading to his apartment always smells like someone’s making dinner, no matter the time of day, but fitting for this early evening. I ring the doorbell that’s still as loud as ever.
My heart is pounding as the door unlocks and opens. Hudson is wearing glasses, which is a first. They look really good on him.
“Hey, Ben.”
“Hey.”
Hudson invites me inside, but doesn’t open up his arms for a hug. I’m now incredibly uncomfortable inside this space that used to feel like a second home. But he doesn’t owe me a super-warm welcome, especially when he knows why I’m here. I’m grateful he’s not being so cold that he wasn’t willing to talk about my love life. Especially when he haven’t seen each other since last spring, when I bailed at the last minute on bowling for Harriett’s birthday.
He starts to walk to his room, and I’m not even sure if he wants me following him, but he pulls out his chair by his desk and then he sits on his bed. That’s as good an invitation as I’m going to get.
“How are things?” I ask.
“Things are things,” Hudson says.
Really starting to feel like I came here for nothing. “Should I just go?”
“You do what you want,” Hudson says. “Or don’t want.”
“So you’re still upset about Harriett’s birthday,” I say.
“You mean when you turned your back on us when we were trying to fix things with you?”
“I wouldn’t say either of you were trying particularly hard.”
Hudson crosses his arms, definitely a little defensive. But we didn’t have to touch any of this. I came here because of my business and he made a big deal about the past as if my crimes were bigger than his. He’s the one who cheated on me. And he’s still the one who gets to be happy in a new relationship, while my love life is a train wreck.
“So Arthur still loves you,” Hudson says.
“Apparently.”
“And you had no idea?”
“Not really. Arthur and Mikey seemed really perfect for each other.”