“You ready to do this, D?”
“Been ready for years, Ben.”
He holds my hand as we leave the guest bathroom, waiting a total of one second before thrusting at the air for his parents to see. Mr. and Mrs. Boggs, also known as Dale and Evelyn, are seriously two of the most normal people in the world. You can’t even curse around Evelyn without making her feel weird. And here we have Dylan acting like we just had sex in the bathroom. He was probably switched at birth. Which means somewhere in this world there’s a lowkey Dylan not living up to the crude humor of his wild parents.
I still wouldn’t trade our Dylan for anyone else.
（On most days.）
“You look very handsome, Dyl,” Evelyn says, fighting back tears. “You too, Ben.”
“The pants are hiding my ass,” Dylan says, like he’s expecting his mother to fix that.
“We’ve very proud of you, son,” Dale says, ignoring Dylan’s complaint; he’s had a lifetime of practice. He straightens Dylan’s tie.
Dylan hugs his parents. “Thanks for showing that I can do this.”
His mother cracks, crying her mascara off and rushing into the bathroom to clean up. His father squeezes Dylan’s shoulder before following his high school sweetheart.
“That was really sweet, D.”
“Special occasion. But that’s it!”
“I hope you’ve saved some nice stuff for your vows.”
“I’m going out there with a you’re-pregnant-so-I-got-to-marry-you-now template.”
Dylan looks over his shoulder at the side door. Pretty soon we’re going to be stepping out there where the guests are waiting in the backyard. He’s sweating again, and I dab his forehead with my pocket square. He relishes in it like a dog getting its ear scratched.
“Thanks, best man.”
He hugs me. “I love you, D.”
“My D loves you too,” Dylan says. “So do I.”
The bathroom door opens and Evelyn cries all over again seeing us hugging. This wedding is going to kick her ass. Instead of darting away this time, she pulls out her phone and takes a picture of us; I’m going to need her to text that to me later.
“So sweet,” Samantha’s mother, Donna, says as she turns the corner of the hallway. “I’ve got family and friends waiting outside and one gorgeous bride ready to marry you.” She’s been calling herself the wedding director, and I swear she must have a clone, because everything seems to be running smoothly. She’s even fully dressed already in a cream dress with a light pink blazer. I don’t even want to know what time she had to wake up to curl her auburn hair down her back so elegantly. “How are you feeling, Dylan?”
“Ready to see that gorgeous bride,” he says.
“Let’s get you out there, then,” Donna says.
Dylan hugs his parents one last time before Donna escorts them to their seats outside.
This is all really happening.
My best friend’s wedding is about to begin.
The processional song comes over the speakers. It’s an instrumental version of “Into the Wild” by Lewis Watson, which Dylan would sing with his parents as a kid. Dylan steps outside, taking in the sun and the applause, which he only encourages, until people are cheering and whistling.
I’m right behind him thinking about why I’m becoming such a fan of the universe. One reason is that there wasn’t enough time for Dylan to rehearse one of those dances down the aisle. But my favorite reason is sitting among the guests. This is my first time seeing Arthur in person today and he said there would be a surprise—he’s wearing the hot dog tie from the day we met.
I almost forget that this isn’t our wedding. I’m ready to run up and kiss him when I remember I’m here to be the best man.
Everything in good time.
For now, I smile at him. It takes me too many moments to even register that he’s sitting between Jessie and my parents.
Standing under the canopy, Dylan and I are joined by Patrick. He’s wearing a forest-green suit with simple black shoes. He smiles at us and waves.
“Psst.” Dylan gets my attention. “He’s trying to outdo my suit. The nerve of this motherfuc—”
“Dylan. Dude. He’s not your competition. And even if he was, you’re literally moments away from marrying Samantha. I think you win.”
Dylan nods. “Damn right, I win.” He smugly smiles at Patrick.
Down the aisle, all five members of the Pac-People exit a white tent, all of them in black shirts with their respective color ties and instruments. Everyone goes silent as the band begins performing the Israel Kamakawiwo‘ole version of “Over the Rainbow.”