“Is it stupid that I miss you even though I saw you yesterday?”
“Not one bit.”
“I’m scared of missing you even more when you’re not a train ride away.”
“Remember, it may not even pan out.”
“It’ll pan out. Or something will. You’re going to move, and I’m going to miss you.”
“We can do something about that, you know.”
“I’ve been thinking about that, too.” I look around the break room. “I don’t want to be here.”
“When’s your shift over?”
“I don’t mean here. I think I mean New York.”
Mario smiles and looks like he’s holding back a fist pump. “You thinking about moving to LA, by any chance?”
“You said it yourself. I might be happier out there.”
Then the door to the manager’s office opens and Pa steps out. I hang up so fast you’d think I was watching porn on my phone. “I’m not on the floor so you can’t be mad at me for having my phone out.”
“You shouldn’t be on the phone whenever you’re on the clock, but that’s not the problem. Remember, I’m your father first. Did I just overhear that you want to move to Los Angeles?”
“Yeah. I mean, yeah, that’s what you heard. I’m still not sure if that’s what I want.”
Pa nods. “It’s not that easy to pick up and go.”
“You wouldn’t know. You’ve been in New York your entire life.”
“Because, Benito, it’s not that easy to pick up and go.”
“If I’m always going to be struggling, then why can’t I struggle somewhere else?”
“There is a major difference between struggling under your parents’ roof and struggling on your own.”
“I wouldn’t be on my own.”
“You mean the boyfriend? You would move in with him?”
“He’s not my boyfriend.” No matter how true that is, it’s the stupidest thing I could’ve said.
“Listen to yourself. Do you feel good about this? Does that make sense to you?”
No, it doesn’t feel good or make a ton of sense.
But what if it makes me happy?
“Look, Mario doesn’t even know for sure that he’s going, okay? I’m not flying anywhere tomorrow—”
“I know you’re not, because your mother would be on the first flight out to drag you back.”
“Being treated like a kid really makes me want to stay, Pa.”
“That’s not what I mean to do. I want your life to be amazing, but you’re making a gigantic mistake. You still have school and—”
“Then I make a mistake,” I interrupt. It’s my life. “Pa, I’ve had no adventures like my friends have. Dylan and Samantha got to leave the city. Arthur is really happy with his boyfriend at Wesleyan. And I’m stuck here.”
“I’m sorry you feel so stuck here, but many people would love to be in your position.”
“I know.”
I’m tired of not being able to own my feelings because someone else has it worse. I know I’m lucky to have a roof over my head and parents who love me and food on the table. I know, I know, I know. I can also want more for myself.
“Benito, I don’t want you to make an impulsive decision that you’ll regret. You haven’t even brought this boy home to meet your family and you’re thinking about leaving the city with him.”
It’s like he thinks Mario is just some fuckboy. But Pa does have a point that Mario and I need to sort ourselves out before I even entertain more conversations about Los Angeles. But for the first time, it’s like my life doesn’t feel light-years away. There’s a map forming in my head with a circle drawn around Los Angeles. And I know the first move I have to make to get there.
“I’m going to head back out. Short-staffed,” I say.
“We’ll talk later,” Pa says, following me out onto the floor.
Once a customer leaves the medicine aisle, I pull out my phone and find a text from Mario.
Everything okay?
Yeah, I reply. Would you want to come over for dinner with my parents later this week?
I don’t know how I’m not sweating. I’m nervous and grateful that I didn’t ask him this in person or over FaceTime in case he responds negatively. Though enough is enough. Mario and I need to figure out what this is before I figure out my next moves.
He responds before I can put my phone back in my pocket.