He pushed up to his elbows, felt the coverlet fall away from his chest.
Jolene lay awake beside him, her blond hair tangled to one side, her pale face turned slightly toward him.
The hurt was already in her eyes.
“I’m sorry, Jo.” He leaned down and kissed her quickly, then drew back. “I’ll make it up to you.”
“I know. It’s just a birthday. Maybe I made too much of it.”
He got out of bed and got the Tiffany’s box off the dresser and brought it back to her.
It occurred to him that she’d asked for something for her birthday, something special. Not a gift, either; that wasn’t Jolene’s way. She wanted … something. He couldn’t remember what it was, but he saw the slight frown dart across her face as she saw the box; then it was gone, and she smiled up at him.
“Tiffany, huh?” She sat up in bed, positioned her pillows behind her, and then opened the box. Inside, a sparkling platinum and gold watch was curled around a white leather bed. A single small diamond took the place of the number twelve.
“It’s beautiful.” She turned it over, to the back, on which Jolene, happy 41st was engraved. “Forty-one,” she said. “Wow. Time is going fast. Betsy will be in high school in no time.”
He wished she hadn’t said that. Time wasn’t his friend lately. He was forty-five—middle-aged by any standard. Soon he’d be fifty, and whatever chance he’d had to become another version of himself would be gone. And he still had no idea what that other version would look like; he just knew that the color had gone out of who he was.
He sat down on the bed beside Jolene. He looked at her, needing her suddenly, wanting to feel about her the way he used to. “How did you get through … their deaths? I mean, really get through it? You had to change your life in an instant.”
He saw her flinch, turn slightly away. The question was like a blow that glanced off her shoulder, bruised her. When she looked at him again, she was smiling. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I chose happiness, I guess.”
He sighed. More platitudes. Suddenly he was tired again. “I’ll make you breakfast in bed, and then maybe we can all go for a bike ride.”
She set the watch, still in its box, on the nightstand. “Tonight’s my birthday party at Captain Lomand’s house. You said you might come.”
And there it was: the thing she’d asked for. No wonder he’d forgotten. “I have nothing in common with those people. You know that.” He stood up and walked over to the dresser, opening his top drawer.
“I am those people,” she said, and just like that they stumbled onto the familiar and rocky terrain. “It’s a party for me. You could come just this once.”
He turned to face her. “We’ll go out to dinner tomorrow night. How’s that? All four of us. We’ll go to that Italian place you like.”
Jolene sighed. He knew she was considering another volley across the net of this old argument. She wanted him to be a part of her military life—she’d always wanted it, but he couldn’t do it, couldn’t stand that rigid world of one for all and all for one. “Okay,” she finally said. “Thanks for the watch. It’s beautiful.”
“You’re welcome.”
They stared at each other. Silence gathered in the air, as bitter and rich as the scent of coffee. There were things to be said, he knew, words that had been withheld too long, hoarded in the dark and spoiled. Once he gave them voice, said what he really felt, there would be no going back.
*
Later that afternoon, carrying a foil-covered casserole dish, Tami walked into Jolene’s kitchen. “Well?” she asked, kicking the door shut behind her.
Jolene glanced back into the family room, making sure her kids weren’t around. “He’s really sorry,” she said. “He brought me roses and a beautiful watch.”
“He’s the one that needs the watch,” Tami said. At Jolene’s look, she shrugged. “Just sayin’。”
“Yeah,” Jolene said. “I asked him to come to the party. He doesn’t want to.”
“I’m sorry,” Tami said.
Jolene managed a smile. She couldn’t help thinking how different life was for Tami. Although Carl wasn’t in the military, he supported Tami fully, came to every event, and often told her how proud he was of her service. Tami’s military pictures decorated the walls of their house, were hung alongside Seth’s school pictures and shots from their family gatherings. All the pictures of Jolene in uniform were hidden away in drawers somewhere.