“Jo—”
She wanted to know what he was going to say, leaned closer to hear the words, but the phone rang. Michael went to answer it. “Hello?” It was obviously the office; he frowned, sat down, and lowered his voice to say, “When?”
The girls came thundering into the room.
“Mommy’s making pancakes!” Lulu said, her frown turning into a smile when she saw that the pancakes looked ordinary.
Jolene turned slightly, saw Betsy’s narrowed gaze. “The griddle’s too hot,” her daughter said.
“Thank you,” Michael said, hanging up the phone.
Jolene smiled. “Michael, Betsy thinks the griddle is too hot. Will you tell her I was making pancakes before she was born?”
Michael stared at her, unsmiling. “Maybe you should sit down, Jo.”
“Sit down? Why? My leg feels great.”
“Betsy, finish the pancakes,” Michael said.
“Why me?” Betsy whined. “Why do I always have to do everything?”
“Betsy,” he said so sharply Jolene frowned.
“Michael?” she said. “You’re scaring me.”
He took Jolene by the arm and led her through the house, toward the bedroom. When she sat down on the bed, she looked up at him.
“It’s Tami,” he said quietly, sitting beside her. “She died last night.”
Jolene couldn’t breathe. As if from a distance, she saw Michael holding her, soothing her, rubbing his hand up and down her back, but none of it reached her.
For more than twenty years, Tami had been there for her, keeping her strong when she felt weak. I’ve got your six, flygirl.
And Seth … he would grow up without a mom …
She made a great gasping sound and started to cry.
“It’s okay, Jo,” Michael said, stroking her hair.
“No.” She felt wild suddenly, feral. “It’s not okay. My best friend died and it’s my fault. Mine. She died and then I left her behind…” Her voice broke. “I’m never supposed to leave anyone behind.”
“Jo—”
“I’m sick of people telling me it will be okay. It won’t be okay. It’ll never be okay.”
She couldn’t take this pain. It was consuming her, devouring her. She stumbled to the nightstand and grabbed her sleeping pills. Opening the container, she spilled three into her shaking palm. “A nap will help,” she said, her voice shrill. “I’ll feel better after a little nap.”
It was a lie. She wouldn’t feel better, but she needed to close her eyes and get away from this grief. She couldn’t bear it. Not anymore; she wasn’t strong enough. Her heart might just stop … and would she care?
She swallowed the pills, dry, and sank to the bed, hanging her head, willing them to work.
Michael moved closer, took her in his arms again. She knew he was judging her for taking the pills, thinking that she was pathetic and damaged, but she didn’t care. It was the truth anyway; she’d been snapped in half and her courage was gone.
She looked at him through her tears. “We were supposed to grow old together. We were going to be old women, sitting on our deck in rocking chairs, remembering each other’s lives…”
*
On the day of Tami’s funeral, Jolene couldn’t get out of bed.
As soon as she woke up, she poured herself a glass of wine. Downing it quickly, she poured and drank another. But there was no help in the bottle today.
She heard the shower start upstairs. Michael was up.
Throwing the covers back, she got out of bed, put on her prosthetic leg, and made her way across the family room slowly; aware of every step, every bump and line and scar on the wood floor. In the past few weeks, she’d made excellent progress with her prosthesis, she was able to wear it almost all the time now, and her movements were getting stronger every day.
At the rag rug, she positioned her fake foot carefully so she wouldn’t slip and then kept going. Up the stairs. Grab, lift, thrust, place, step. Each riser took phenomenal concentration and resolve. By the time she got to the master bedroom, she was sweating.
She shouldn’t be up here. It was off-limits, really, this second floor. No one trusted her to use the stairs. No one trusted her to do much of anything, really. She could hardly blame them.
She limped over to the closet and opened the louvered doors. Her clothes were all still there, neatly aligned.
The first thing she saw were her ACUs, the combat fatigues, with the black beret pinned to the chest. She and Tami had worn that uniform almost every day in Iraq …