“Like you think you’re better than us,” Shanti finished for her.
An unpleasant coolness settled in my stomach. I thought my reason for reclusion was self-protection, not superiority, but despite myself I could see how warped it would look from their vantage point. Chioma nudged Shanti and Aminah straightened and took a step forward.
“Okay, what’s going on here? Is this an ambush?! Because I can fight and still look fine. My setting spray was expensive—”
Shanti shrugged. “Well, so was mine. La Mystique, got it from Sephora when I was in Amsterdam.”
Aminah paused and stood back. “I use La Mystique too, got it from Paris.”
Shanti’s eyes glimmered beneath her lush lash extensions with something that looked like respect. “Look, this isn’t an ambush. We just came over to say that we rate the show you’re doing with Malakai. You guys sound legit.” She ran her eyes across me. “And honestly? I kinda rate you now, Kiki. Not just your advice, but, like, you. You sound more relaxed, like you’re not judging but you’re living this shit with us. Experiencing it with us. Not this self-appointed head bitch in charge who knows it all. I mean, at the last FreakyFridayz you were dancing with girls that weren’t Aminah, actually talking to people.”
Chioma nodded in agreement. “I mean personally I’ve always known that you’ve had a good aura but it has always been shrouded by something, you know.” Her voice sounded like wind chimes, a melodic scent of sweet, musky essential oils wafting from her. “It’s like you’re open now. Also, you put Malakai through his paces. He’s a good guy, deep down—all of us know that—but he is tangled. Doesn’t want what he thinks he wants. Or wants what he thinks he doesn’t want.”
Shanti smiled wryly at that. “Either way, he was getting us mixed up in his mix-up. Glad he apologized, though. How did you get him to do that?”
I allowed myself to relax a little with the turn of conversation and released a tentative laugh. “Uh, that was all him. He’s figuring some things out, I think.”
Chioma waved a hand. “Please. No way he would have got there without you. Gotta say, though, I was surprised by the text he sent afterward.”
Aminah and I exchanged a glance. I attempted the appearance of nonchalance. “Uh, he texted you?”
Shanti’s immaculate arches shot up. “Oh, wow. You didn’t know. He texted both of us. All of us.” At the look on my face, she smiled. “They were apologies, Kiki. Chill.”
I’d failed at the appearance of nonchalance. I cleared my throat. “I’m chill. I wasn’t—”
Shanti smirked at my denial and Chioma spoke over it. “Bad communication. Misrepresenting his intentions. Said we deserved better—”
“Strong agree.” Shanti’s interjection was peppered with a sharp smile. “We compared notes. All the apologies were specific to our situations. It was . . . satisfying to receive. I mean, I didn’t respond, obviously, but it was satisfying.”
The new information coursed through me and counteracted the snippy evening breeze. If the apology was a performance, he would have told me about it. He wanted to do it. Defenses I didn’t even know I had up lowered, and I levelled a gaze at both Shanti and Chioma.
“Well, you both deserved those apologies. And I, uh, appreciate you telling me you like the show. I’m also really sorry if it ever seemed like I was judging you. I wasn’t. Or at least, I didn’t mean to. I just . . .” I shrugged, feeling freer than I had in a while. “I don’t know, man, you’re all so cool and I just wanted to keep you guys from pricks because I . . . I have been there. And I’ve seen how it can mess things up. But I wanted to do that without exposing myself, which, yes, makes me a hypocrite. I was just intimidated, I guess?”
Shanti looked incredulous. “Intimidated? Kiki, you’re, like, the most listened to voice on campus. Brown Sugar is the only platform all the cliques are united over. You’re respected here. Even if you weren’t, you never gave us a chance.”
It suddenly felt hard to remember why I worked to not integrate fully, to remain on the watchtower on the outskirts, guarding the girls but also guarding myself. Seeing everything but feeling nothing.
I swallowed. “You’re right. There’s some, uh, friendship trauma there. I think I was worried that you guys wouldn’t like me if I was all of me you know? Like I would let you down or something.” I inhaled deeply and felt my tongue coiling up, ready to leap forth and ignore rationality. “I think that’s why I was afraid to admit that I was seeing a guy on campus.”